Bender'ed Over

Benders 14, Wood 10

June 26^th, 2011

A sloppy loss at Balboa set against the backdrop of a young boy’s quest to give Dave a post-game massage

First off, some of the reviews…

“I wonder what color jock strap he is wearing…” - Chauncey Slapcock, fan wearing a Tovani jersey in left field bleachers

“Throwing With Coach is a blistering mind-blowing masterpiece with just the right amount of wit, intelligence and sodomy. It really hits home with the large demographic of transgender, cross-dressing, peyote smoking, Mormon biker, left-handed hipster, baseball playing readers …” - Rufas Tallygaggle, Rollingpebble Magazine

“Your dog looks too hot…” - Matilda Penislicher, woman who accused Jevon of animal abuse after seeing Rocky in 58 degree weather at Balboa

Since its modest beginnings, San Francisco Pride has grown to be one the largest and most well-known Pride events in the world. Pride has come to symbolize several things: the long history of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer dignity, the freedom of all people to meaningfully and proudly express their sexual and gender identities.

In essence Wood baseball club’s rich history has not been a whole lot different if you take away the lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders,* (Dave’s brief subscription on www.rainbowchristians.com/, “The premier gay dating site for LGBT Christians”, excluded)

*my spell check tags ‘transgenders’ for not being a word, but finds ‘transgender’ perfectly ok? Have they not seen multiple cross dressers up in Seattle? C’mon Bill Gates, don’t play coy with me.

So what does that leave you?

Basically just a lot of queer Wood dignity free to express their sexual gender identities in whatever form of beach angel they choose.

For those of you worried about where this blog entry is headed, don’t fret. A wise man once told me...

“It’s only gay if you try it twice..." - Ryan Tovani, Green’s Sports Bar 2011

And now to the recap…

Balboa Park, San Francisco, Ca – In front of a sellout crowd of two, Wood dropped a must win showdown against one of SFNaba’selite, much to the chagrin of birthday boy Jevon Mattiassi Sunday afternoon.

The game was nothing short of a Wild West showdown, with plenty of lead changes, runs, errors, and a revolving back door of Wood pitchers.

The game had more excitement than Moby Dick bar during a 2 for 1 blowjob shot Happy Hour.

The Benders struck hard and fast in the first inning off starter Steve McDevitt penetrating him for two runs on a couple of hits and a sacrifice fly. Luckily Wood bats refused to remain flaccid for long, and answered right back with four runs of their own in the top of the inning. Matt Moyer, John Lanahan, Rick Roitinger, and Grant Bledsoe led the hit parade, while across town in the Castro, the hit parade was led by Samantha “just call me Sam” Beberdick using a wooden paddle, while wearing only a paint smock over his privates.

Jevon as a 7th grader. Oh wait, nevermind that is Clay, eerily similar

Unfortunately Bender hitters had another goal in mind as they once again bent McDevitt over like Clay Aiken in a prison shower, striking for another three runs in the bottom half of the inning to take an early 5-4 lead. He was then sent to the bench where he had to figure out how to remove the giant Bender dildo from his backside in the process.

After looking at pictures of Gay Pride, a happy hour at Moby Dick, and spending time on a transgender dating site, I think we are all in the mood for some female tail. How's Hunter Pence's girlfriend to keep with the baseball genre?

The rest of the game would continue on a similar path with each team striking for runs on a flurry of hits and walks, only to give them right back the following inning.

McDevitt was relieved by Dylan "Don't Call Me Don" Mattingly who pitched an effective several innings in relief to keep Wood in the game. He allowed just a few walks, and a couple of meaningless hits to keep Bender bats at bay until the sixth inning with Wood up by two. This would become the inning the Benders broke out the cockmeat sandwiches and pounded out several runs, most of which were at the expense of the right fielder, who will remain nameless, and by no means rhymes with sleeve.

Despite putting up a respectable ten runs, and Dave Aubuchon taking more balls than the parade administrator at gay pride, ultimately the Bender two-touchdown onslaught was just too much for Wood.

The losing effort didn’t come without some bright spots, as newcomer Mike Moyer played some stellar defense, and laid down a major league baseball like bunt single (pictured left) to help with the early game rally. Older bro, Matt Moyer tallied three hits in the contest, Grant Bledsoe hada couple of RBI’s, and Jevon Mattiassi finally got off the snide with a couple of seeing eye singles. Tovani also had a few solid catches in the outfield despite the tornado like winds.

Brandon “Before I cross I check the street on both” Sides pitched a masterful inning in relief as Wood faithful scratched their heads in confusion. Why didn’t this guy just pitch the whole game? And more importantly why was he wearing ass-less baseball pants in honor of Pride?

MVP: Despite going 1-5 with four strikeouts, six tossed bats, and seven expletives shouted at the umpire, Ryan Tovani didn’t lose sight of what is truly important; Wood camaraderie. After the game a defeated Tovani still found it in his heart to give out free massages to Wood players.

(Video below)

Honorable Mention

Two Wood faithful who endured arctic temperatures and a long game. Thank you Alisa and Mr. Moyer.

LVP Steve McDevitt

After inflating his ERA to a career high in one outing, giving up five runs in just two innings of work, McDevitt proceeded to run six miles out in right field while allowing a double, triple and home run out there. Granted, the wind was at hurricane like speeds, the sun was blinding, and the grass had more odd bounces than a Octagonal bouncy ball, but he became the first outfielder in league history to field for the cycle. All the other outfielders? Zero combined errors. Enough said.

Wood squares off with first place Phitens in a prime time double header in two weeks. Happy 4^th Wood

.

Hey Matilda, you come here often?

When Mad Dogs Bite

Mad Dogs 13, Wood 7

June 19th, 2011

Courtesy of Guest Writer David Aubuchan

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Oakland.

Home of the Athletics.

Home of Billie Joe Armstrong.

And now, home of the 27th meeting between the Mad Dogs and the team now known as Wood at Raimondi Field.

Once league rivals, the Mad Dogs and Wood now only pass longing stares across divisional lines. Since the inception of this good-natured rivalry, the Mad Dogs are in possession of the Series lead, one Wood ex-girlfriend, and more of Jevon’s secret handshakes than with any fellow Wood teammate.

It was a rag tag bundle of Wood coming together on a beautiful Sunday afternoon - with the notable exception of its trusty manager, Brandon “sometimes I grow a mustache and pretend I’m the captain of old Iron” Sides. One couldn't help but notice a distinct lack of pre-game angst, mid-game tension, and post-game admonishing as Frank Bauch stepped to the helm and did an admiral job leading the team.

JohnLanahan was handed the pearl to start the game, and despite handing out more free passes than an off-duty stripper on the corner of Broadway & Columbus, strung together a strong effort through six innings.

The D came to the rescue on a number of occasions to include two unconventional double-plays. The first started on a drive up the third base line that ended with Jevon laying on his stomach yelling “I got his shoe!” In an odd bit of coincidence, the pre-game love session J-Bone had with the Mad Dogs started and ended with a game of “I got your nose”. Put it in the books as 5 unassisted 5-2-5-2.

The second DP fulfilled Frank’s long time goal of successfully back-dooring a guy rounding 3rd base too aggressively. After a standard 4-3 to get the ball

rolling, the crafty Bauch, keen to notice a man’s vulnerability, shot the baseball equivalent of Rufinol across the diamond to catch the Mad Dog unawares for the 4-3-5-2 Double Penetr... I mean play.

approximation of Wood's fifth inning double play

Despite Wood keeping it close through six, the wheels fell of the Lanahan train to K-ville and the offense didn’t show up until too late. When walks weren’t the order of the day, bombs were.

Mike Moyer made his debut to the team a memorable one by going 2-3 at the dish as well as climbing more fences than an illegal with a bad habit of forgetting things back in Mexico while patrolling left field.

Pitching in relief, Ricky Ballgame pitched a solid three innings, two moon shots and one balk of baseball allowing Wood to claw back a few runs and regain some respectability with the final tally coming to 13-7.

GameKudos to Moyer Sr., proving what clutch really means by bring an ice chest full of beer to help soothe the wounds of a tough loss.

Next up a tough game versus the Benders at Raimondi. Be there.

It’s DeBAUCHerous

1^st place Wood Split a Pair as Hitting Extraordinaire Frank Bauch Leads Wood to Victory and Two Woodettes Suffer Through Eight Hours of Baseball

Game 1 – All Blacks 11, Wood 10 (10 innings)

Game 2 – Wood 17, All Blacks 12

June 12^th, 2011

First off, some game quotes:

“That son of a bitch better quit leaving the toilet seat up after the misery I’ve sat through today..”

- Ely’s girlfriend Antonia when asked after the game if she enjoyed sitting through two Wood games

“This time it’s your turn to wear the handcuffs, you dirty dirty bad boy…”

- Jevon’s girlfriend/ can lady taken in context per a sexting conversation between her and Jevon on her Myspace page

Jevon's lady seen nearby shortly after confiscating Wood's water

And now to the recap...

San Francisco, Ca – In front of the biggest crowd of the year, Wood split a pair of games with division foe All Blacks Sunday afternoon at Balboa Park in San Francisco.

Expectations were high coming into the contest since the All Blacks were just ½ game backgoing in, which I’m assuming is why world renowned woodettes , Antonia and Megan showed up for pre game warm-ups and stayed through all of both games. Lord only knows what Ely and Grant had to do in return for this generous act of kindness.

* Video footage shot shortly after this blog was published showed a reluctant Grant loitering in the linens section at Bed Bath & Beyond, feverishly loading as many shower curtain rings into his basket as he could fit.

Game one started off in total disarray, as “McSteve” took the mound and proceeded to walk the first batter he faced. He would later score along with fellow All Black mate (who was actually white by the way) and the All Blacks took an early 2-1 lead. The score would not remain that for long as the game went up and down like a toilet seat for the majority of the contest. The game had more changes than Dave at a drag queen runway model shoot.

Luckily Wood bats put on a hitting clinic amassing seven runs off of All Blacks starter (also white) to make “No Decision” McSteve the pitcher of record when he made an early departure after five frames.

Hits coming off the bats of John Lanahan, Matt Moyer, Patrick Whelly, Will Tong, Grant Bledsoe and Frank “Ty Cobb” Bauch contributed to the hit parade. The biggest hit of the game came in the top of the ninth off the bat of “Let's Be” Frank Bauch who knocked a RBI single back up the box to score the tying run.

Ely Alexander relieved McDevitt and was able to keep the damage to a minimum, pitching three innings of relief.

Alexander handed the game off to crafty lefty Rick Roitinger with the score tied. Roitinger pitched a scoreless ninth highlighted by a miraculous play in the field by Will “Velcro hands” Tong to take the game into extra innings.

After Wood went 1-2-3 in the top half of the tenth, All Blacks’ bats were too much for Wood to hold off and with the winning run on second base, a single to left was all they would need to win the game.

Wood lost in heartbreaking fashion, 11 to 10.

Game One MVP

Will Tong/Frank Bauch

Had it not been for a spectacular unassisted double play started on a catch by Tong on a windblown ball at second base, then tossed to Bauch, Wood never would’ve been in this game. Bauch’s bat had more hits than Lindsay Lohan’s crotch shot on TMZ.com, and almost single handily won Wood the game. Tong also had a big RBI single as well.

Game One LVP

Jevon Mattiassi. After being reprimanded several times about not bringing his girlfriend to the game Mattiassi denied our requests once again. She not only showed up several times, but also stole our water bottles just to rub it in our face. Clearly only a stunt that could be pulled off by the sneaky Mattiassi.

Game two continued where Wood had left off. Basically a lot of beach angels and Wood tomfoolery.

Wood got off to an early two touchdown lead and by the fourth inning led 14-2. They scorched starting All Black’s pitcher then continued the surge against the bullpen as well.

John “Lend me your heart and I’ll” Lan(d)ahan(d) pitched beautifully holding All Black hitters to a minimum until the fourth inning. At that point 20-year old rookie Dylan made his Wood debut by getting out of a jam and pitching a 1-2-3 fifth inning. Well done kid.

“You know what they say about these college players, I get older and they stay the same age…”

Ryan Tovani, fresh off his camping trip in the Sierra foothills went 4-4 in the game with six triples and seven RBI’s. Good god man. What a game. Frank Bauch & “Lomb” continued his hitting clinic, adding two more hits to his fine day.

After playing some cat and mouse, dragging the game out, Wood let the All Blacks creep back into the game, but Jevon Mattiassi closed the door in the Bottom of the 7^th with a 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 inning, loading the bases before getting the final out to secure the win.

Wood won the game 17-12.

Game Two MVP

Ryan Tovani

His hit display was one for the ages and he even threw out two runners behind the dish. Well played sir.

Game Two LVP

Rick Roitinger

Two dropped fly balls could’ve cost Wood the win, but since the team was up 14-3 at the time, no one seemed to care.

Wood squares off against Mad Dogs this Sunday in Oakland. Last year Wood was swept in a double header. Great seats are still available.

Wood coach Brandon “I like to butter my toast on both” Sides coached both games from the sidelines to lead Wood to the split.

Go Wood.