I'm Not an Umpire

Wood sweeps the double header against Phitans to reclaim first place

Wood 14, Phitans 4

Wood 6, Phitans 3

“I’m trying so hard to like you right now and you’re not helping…”

-Jevon Mattiassi doing his best or worst Pablo Francisco impression
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“I sound like Axel Rose…”

-Ely Alexander letting the team know he has the vocals of a rock icon

“That Jevon Mattiassi is one fine piece of ass; I know from experience if you know what I mean…”

-Police Officer Rodney “Grab Your Ankles” Willoughby viewing the game from the window of the police station overlooking the backstop

July 10th, 2011

Growing up, every youngster dreams about being something great. Some want to be a famous athlete. Others? A fireman. For others, maybe it was an astronaut that tickled their fancy. The story is always the same and America loves to embrace the underdog with a story. A young boy aspires for greatness, and then achieves it with the most limited of resources, family, and opportunity. For Brandon “I learned to swim by holding onto the” Sides, the tale was no different.

Oh what could have been

Some of Brandon’s family members claim that Brandon used to go around the house announcing to the world what profession he was.

“I’m a police man,” Sides would shout as he pretended to apprehend a notorious crook.

“I’m an erotic dancer,” he’d exclaim as he made sexual gestures with the vacuum cleaner.

While Sides fantasized about many future endeavors there was one that his family noticed stood out above the rest.

He longed to become an umpire.

“He’d shout it out on the lawn on a daily basis,” one of Sides’ neighbor s complained, putting down his Kool-Aid just before heading to a religious cult meeting.

“To this day, I’ve never seen anyone receive that much pleasure from a vacuum cleaner,” the neighborhood mailman muttered, when asked of his fondest memory of Sides.

“Throwing with Who?” replied Archibald Googleson, the neighborhood geriatric drunk.

Despite his aspirations Sides always felt like he didn’t live up to his dreams. He kept hope of being an umpire alive, and up until this past Sunday, would scour local fields hoping to call a game of whatever he could find. His efforts fell short when he was flagged on Megan’s Law.com after officiating a nine to ten year old little league game while under the influence of opium and wearing only a geranium covering his privates.

His dream was close to being over.

Sunday marked a monumental day for Sides. There comes a time in every man’s life that he is comfortable in his own skin as he accepts who he is. For Sides this happened in the second game of Wood’s double header.

With a runner on first, and Sides manning third base coaching duties, Phitan pitcher started to make a move towards first, but stopped short of throwing the ball. Sides’ instincts kicked in and he immediately sprang into action, exuberantly shouting to the umpire that the pitcher had balked. Much to the chagrin of Sides, and to no surprise to anyone on the field, the pitcher had stepped off the rubber first.

Dejected, a sulking Sides, for the first time in his life, shouted the four words that he previously never could.

“I’m not an umpire.”

too much awesome on my feet

Afterwards Sides felt a wave of relief come over him as every cell in his body finally was at peace, with what his family and friends had known all along.

Sides is no umpire.

But he is one helluva Wood Baseball coach, and not a single person will argue that.

San Francisco, Ca - Sunday Sides led Wood to a two-game sweep of the Phitans, storming the Phitan shores to overtake first place in the division, solidifying himself as one of the league’s top managers.

Wood players had their heads on a swivel, knowing that this double header would change the course of their season. No player was more in tune with the game’s chakras than star catcher, Jevon Mattiassi. Having the foresight and foreskin to read the umpire’s energy levels, Mattiassi warned his teammates not to play any funny business with the umpire who appeared ready to make some heads roll at first sign of any tomfoolery.

How did the team respond?

Respectfully.

How did Mattiassi do listening to his own advice?

Well, after a close pitch at the knees went momentarily uncalled, the slugger tossed his bat aside and took off towards first and was a fourth of the way down the line before the umpire called the pitch a strike.

In superman fashion, Sides took the rubber in game one; a must needed game for Wood if the team was to get back on track this season. He got some early help from Wood bats, striking for two runs in the bottom of the first with hits coming from Pat Whelly, Mike Moyer, and John Lanahan who added to his RBI totals.

Wood added five runs in the second inning and two more in the third to take a resounding 9-0 lead out the gates. Adam Fong had a couple key hits, and Jevon “Get In, Get Confident,” Mattiassi (pictured) crushed the ball collecting a couple hits to show the Wood world he was back.

Nine runs were more than Sides would need as he cruised along brilliantly, tossing no-hit ball through his first four innings of work. He did manage to walk eight, but luckily no woman or children were hurt in the melee. He was also the benefactor of absolutely stellar Wood defense which encompassed two double plays under his watch.

The first was your typical 4-6-3, but the second was a little less traditional as Mike “Jim Edmonds” Moyer made a spectacular catch (pictured) on a ball in the gap, and then fired to second

to double off the runner.

Dylan Mattingly came in and pitched three masterful innings in relief to secure the win for Sides. His only moment of despair came in the 8^th inning when he maimed a family of worms while trying to start a 1-6-3 double play. Luckily the play went on as planned for Wood’s third double play of the day.

Wood won the game 14-4.

MVP: Brandon Sides – his crafty pitching performance was his season’s best

LVP: Jevon Mattiassi – showing up an umpire is one thing. Showing up a handicap umpire is another. But showing up a handicap umpire, after you’ve just warned your whole team about showing him up will get you LVP honors every time

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Game Two picked up for Wood right where game one left off. Ely “Axel Rose” Alexander took the hill and was fabulous, striking out six in his three innings of work.

Pat Whelly (i.e. John Lanahan) courtesy of the non-runner feature stole home for Wood’s first run in the second inning, and then two more runs were added in the fourth courtesy of an Adam Fong blast over the left fielder’s head. Overall Fong went a combined 14 for 15 with seven doubles on the day, or so it seemed like. “The Return of Fong,” the anticipated sequel to the best-selling novel of all time, “The Fong, The Witch & The Wardrobe,” hits bookstores Tuesday.

Alexander gave way to Steve McDevitt who threw five innings allowing two runs, one of them earned while striking out seven. John Lanahan closed the door in the ninth to record his first save of the season.

The highlight of the day came when Wood phenom and lady favorite Ryan Tovani blasted Wood’s first home run of the season.

Brandon “You hold his scapula, and I’ll hold his clavicle on both” Sides coached a splendid game leading Wood to victory, but his proudest moment came in the second game when he lent a hand to injured Phitan’s right fielder. The brave soul dislocated his shoulder on a diving play late in the game, and despite Sides’ best efforts, he was still taken off on a stretcher after Sides squeamishly took off in the other direction at the sight of the injury.

Wood won the game 6 to 3.

MVP: Adam Fong – his hot bat pounded Phitan pitching and helped in the win

LVP: Rocky – ok so no one did anything stupid enough to warrant this except for Rocky who was basically just himself for nine innings.

First place Wood will square off against a tough Tsunami (7-7) squad Sunday.

Tsunami? Is that really a respectable team name considering one just wiped out a dozen villages in Japan, and killed over 200,000 in Thailand? Wouldn’t this be like Manchester naming their local Cricket team “Bubonic Plague,” in 1340 after an estimated 25 million met their demise?

Too soon?

Whatever the case, it seems pretty apparent that most of SFNaba’s team names were picked by pretentious meteorologists, considering he or she could probably do their weather report simply by reading the standings in the Bay West Division.

If you look to west you’ll see a blanket of Fog, which will then give way to a Tsunami, but not before the Sea Lions bellow from the East. In other news, I was on a Bender this weekend, drinking at Aces Sports bar and met this hot little Red Devil who revved my Isotopes while wearing just a pair of Black Sox. She told me I was one of her Heroes, and I responded with only these three words

I Got Wood.