Wood Locks in First Victory

Thanks Obama

April 14th, 2013

Wood 6
All Blacks 0

"You shook him off for that?"
- A disgusted Mr. Moyer after realizing he could've been drinking ice cold Sierra at the A's game instead of watching Mandelblatt's breaking ball sail into the backstop

"Tovani, can I use your bat, I have a great credit score..."
-Steve McDevitt doing his best freecreditreport.com sales pitch before pinch-hitting in the 9th

"Fucking finally!"
-Kevin Page after finally finding the Justin Bieber, live at Wembley Stadium album he's been looking for, or after he laced a double off the fence, one of the two.

Aubo my love, I'll just
let myself out

Oakland, Ca – For young David Aubuchon, the day started out like any other. His coffee pot was set on start for 8am sharp, his baseball slacks were laid out on his couch folded neatly as usual, and the circus-freak/lover had quietly slept out before anyone had noticed. It was going to be a good day.

After propping open an eyelid, then happily dozing back off to sleep to gain a few more moments of relaxation,  his alarm sprang to life. Instantly he one-hundred percent regretted purchasing the Brandon Sides top selling ringtone which had been #1 six weeks straight on helpIneedatherapist.com.

Even Gepeto himself couldn't bring
Sides and his sock show back 

W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-D his phone bellowed as he attempted to hit snooze. In the hazy chaos Dave thought his ringtone had Pinocchioed itself and turned to life. He swore he saw a real Brandon Sides donning only his Wood cap over his privates in his bedroom. How could it be that after just one week at the helm, the Fuhrer was already haunting his nightmares?

Luckily he was wrong.

Once at the field Aubuchon was relieved to see that Sides was nowhere in the vicinity. All that he saw was Matt Moyer moving his fingers to and fro, giving himself a concussion test. 

“Matt, how many fingers am I holding up,” Matt asked Matt.

“Two,” Matt replied.

And next Moyer I will ask you how many fingers I
have in your rectum. If you get it right you can
return to the field

“Correct. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and –

“Six.”

“Amazing – right again. Ok I think you’re ready to play. Take off that wicker belt and try on this new Rawlings Pro. Six cows were slaughtered in the making of this bad boy.”

Moyer picked up the belt pictured here down in the Castro pre-game

The day was ripe for baseball. Chente Lopez was to take the mound, the sun was out and Wood favorite Piggy was in attendance. By the time warm-ups has began, women had lined already up outside the stadium just for a glimpse of the magnificent stallion.

“Should I use my new bat or the fungo?” Lopez asked before hitting warm-up grounders.

“What would Piggy do?” Mattassi responded, not sure himself which would result in the best outcome.

It ended up being Piggy’s last quest.

Many have heard the nursery rhyme about the little pigs, but many have not heard this version.

Had Piggy known he was going to get one in
the chops the market wouldn't have sounded
so bad

This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, and this little piggy was drilled by an attempted catcher pop-up off the bat of Lopez.

The game got off on the right side of Wood with bats coming alive from start with big hits from Ryan Tovani, Matt Moyer, Pat Whelly, and wait...another hit from Ryan Tovani. After two innings of play, Wood was up 3-0 and that is ultimately all the Wood pitching staff would need.

"I could've won the game if we scored 0 runs. Heck even if we scored -1 runs I'd still win the game for us," Chente Lopez noted after the game.

Wood scrapped together a total of 12 hits, a season high but left a small village of base runners on-base, thus only posting 6 runs to the board in the end.

Highlights at the plate included a Ted Williams-esque performance by Tovani, (4-4, 2 Rbi), Pat Whelly (2-4, 3 runs, Rbi), Kevin "How am I supposed to see the centerfold now that its stuck to the next" Page (2-5, run, Rbi) and Zach Mandelblatt who did more walking Sunday

That Mandelblatt out-walked me again tonight

than a Barbara Walters  street hooker lookalike.

In the field, it was Wood baseball as usual- solid pitching and even better defense. Lopez cruised through four shutout innings of work and the bullpen ironed out the rest of the shutout details. Both Grant Bledsoe and Mandelblatt made their 2013 debuts and pitched brilliantly. Steve McDevitt added two innings of shutout ball, while managing to load the bases both innings but exited unscathed.

Wood looks to continue the Wood awesomeness Saturday April 27th when they take on the Red Giants. Great seats are still available.

Game Stats - 4/14/13 WOOD at All Blacks

Box Score

---

WOOD (6) AT ALL BLACKS (0)

WOOD                 AB  R  H BI  ALL BLACKS           AB  R  H BI

Pat Whelly            4  3  2  1  Ben Burg              5  0  0  0  

Matt Moyer            5  1  1  1  Anthony Najera        4  0  0  0  

Zach Mandelblatt      1  0  0  0  Nate Weidkamp         4  0  1  0  

Ryan Tovani           4  0  4  2  Nick Safir            4  0  2  0  

Jevon Matiassi        3  0  0  0  Alfonso Diazgrandos   3  0  1  0  

 Rick Roitinger       1  0  0  1  Olanrewajo            3  0  1  0  

Grant Bledsoe         3  0  1  1  Dan Greenberg         3  0  1  0  

 Chente Lopez         1  0  0  0  Andrew Bergstrom      4  0  1  0  

David Aubuchon        4  0  1  0  Larry Chiang          2  0  1  0  

 Steve McDevitt       1  0  0  0  Brad Guslani          3  0  0  0  

Will Tong             4  0  1  0                                    

Kevin Page            5  1  2  0                                    

Frank Bauch           2  1  0  0                                    

TOTALS               38  6 12  6  TOTALS               35  0  8  0

WOOD                          120 002 001 -- 6  

ALL BLACKS                    000 000 000 -- 0  

LOB--WOOD 17, ALL BLACKS 14. ERR--Frank Bauch, Matt Moyer,

Nate Weidkamp. 2B--Pat Whelly, Kevin Page, Matt Moyer, Nate

Weidkamp. HBP--Matt Moyer, Will Tong, Dan Greenberg, Brad

Guslani, Larry Chiang, Alfonso Diazgrandos. SB--Kevin Page,

Grant Bledsoe, Zach Mandelblatt (2), Ryan Tovani (2).

 WOOD                            IP    H    R   ER   BB   SO   HR

Chente Lopez                   4.00    2    0    0    0    1    0

Steve McDevitt                 2.00    4    0    0    1    2    0

Grant Bledsoe                  1.00    0    0    0    1    0    0

Zach Mandelblatt               2.00    2    0    0    0    3    0

 ALL BLACKS                 

Jeremy Butterfield             4.00    6    3    3    5    4    0

Anthony Najera                 5.00    6    3    3    5    4    0

PB--Nick Safir. SO--David Aubuchon (2), Grant Bledsoe (2),

Jevon Matiassi, Zach Mandelblatt, Will Tong, Rick Roitinger,

Dan Greenberg, Nate Weidkamp (2), Andrew Bergstrom (2), Brad

Guslani. BB--Pat Whelly (2), Frank Bauch, Grant Bledsoe,

Zach Mandelblatt (4), Ryan Tovani, Rick Roitinger, 

Olanrewajo, Larry Chiang.

Guy is a natural

Wood Out-Topedoed at Aragon

"Lopez, I challenge you to a duel!"

April 7, 2013

Isotopes 2
Wood 1

"Let's shit down their throats..."
- Brandon Sides before seeing his defecation addiction therapist


San Mateo, Ca - Isotopes are variants of a particular chemical element. On this day the particular chemical element took it to Wood in a 2-1 pitching duel.

An ecstatic Moyer picking up his wicker belt
 pre-game(wait a second - this looks just like Grant
from a previous blog)

Some prognosticated the team was in for a long day when three- year veteran sign- extraordinaire put on a sign clinic in the dugout before the game

"Hit and run is when you swipe the arms Zach, trust me on this one," Moyer instructed to the wide-eyed rookie in the dugout pre-game. "I know what I'm talking abo-"

"What? No it's not," responded seven Wood members.

"Oh...I've made a huge mistake," a perplexed Moyer responded, as he tightened up his "I got it at Ross" wicker belt and came to the realization as to why he's been receiving so many hit-and-run signs; like 31 a game.



Chente Lopez started on the bump for Wood and answered the duel in prodigious fashion going six strong innings wearing his iconic tennis "cleats" and slick sunglasses. Lopez allowed just one run on a wild pitch in the sixth, while striking out four, walking one and blinding twelve fans with the reflection from his cleats in the effort.

Chente (above) went through several 

shoe colors before finally settling on white

Lopez wasn't the only stellar human in the field; Wood's defense played extraordinary as well. Matt Moyer (left) actually had more put outs than a three-dollar hooker in Thailand.

"Oh he puts out," a horny co-ed could be heard muttering from the stands as she called an order in for magnum condoms at CVS.

At the plate Wood scraped together eight hits, but stranded seven baserunners in the contest. The only run came off the bat of Alex Weber-Shapiro who crushed a fastball into the trees over the right field fence, disbanding a small family of sloths in the process.Weber-Shapiro also added two singles to his box sheet in the loss. Other notables were Zach Mandelblatt who had a pair of singles and Adam Fong who had a hit, a sac-bunt and a stolen base.

This nice family of sloths now live a life of solitude
after Weber-Shapiro destroyed their home in right field
what a dick.

The overall feel of the game was about the same as a Jevon Mattiassi one night stand. Lots of scratching a clawing and just when you thought something was going to happen, a large man wearing only a clown shirt and a red ball draped over his privates was left stranded on the base paths.

Jevon, you never call anymore

The difference maker in the game was a wild pitch thrown by Kevin "I need to find a payphone because I just got a" Page which allowed the runner to steal home. Page did however pitch brilliantly in the loss, surrendering not a single hit while striking out two over two innings of work.

The real winner of the entire afternoon was Verizon who was able to bill the base umpire several overage charges after he made several phone calls from the field while the players waiting for him to finish his convos.


"Well blue, what's the call?"

"I just saved hundreds on my car insurance by switching to Geico; just got off the phone with them just now."

"What about the base runner?"

"Who?"

The loss dropped Wood to 0-2 on the season. They'll look to rebound against the All Blacks next weekend. Great seats are still available.

Archibald the base umpire in the third inning while the game was on hold 

Game Stats - 5/11/13 WOOD at Isotopes

Box Score

---

WOOD (1) AT ISOTOPES (2)

WOOD                 AB  R  H BI  ISOTOPES             AB  R  H BI

Will Tong             3  0  0  0  Christopher Viegas    4  0  2  0  

 Rick Roitinger       1  0  0  0  Jackson Tavo Hall     4  1  2  0  

Matt Moyer            4  0  1  0  Sean Scott            2  0  0  0  

Zach Mandelblatt      3  0  2  0  Dan Meewis            3  0  0  0  

Alex Weber-Shapiro    4  1  3  1  Lex                   3  0  0  0  

Grant Bledsoe         4  0  0  0  Leo Ortiz             2  0  0  0  

Jevon Matiassi        4  0  0  0  Brian Brooks          3  0  1  0  

David Aubuchon        4  0  1  0  Brandon Barron        2  1  1  0  

Kevin Page            4  0  0  0  Michael Stosz         2  0  0  0  

Adam Fong             2  0  1  0  *Edgar Murillo        1  0  0  0  

TOTALS               33  1  8  1  TOTALS               26  2  6  0

WOOD                          000 001 000 -- 1  

ISOTOPES                      000 001 01x -- 2  

LOB--WOOD 7, ISOTOPES 3. 2B--Jackson Tavo Hall. HR--Alex

Weber-Shapiro. HBP--Zach Mandelblatt. SACB--Adam Fong,

Michael Stosz. SB--Matt Moyer, Adam Fong.

 WOOD                            IP    H    R   ER   BB   SO   HR

Kevin Page (L)                 2.00    0    1    1    1    2    0

Chente Lopez                   6.00    6    1    1    1    4    0

 ISOTOPES                   

WP--Kevin Page, Chente Lopez. SO--Kevin Page (2), David

Aubuchon (2), Grant Bledsoe (4), Jevon Matiassi (3), Matt

Moyer, Adam Fong, Rick Roitinger, Lex (2), Michael Stosz

(2), Brian Brooks, Christopher Viegas. BB--Leo Ortiz,

Brandon Barron.

A Nickname Montage to Fuhrer Sides

In a bonus feature from Throwing With Coach, we take a moment to reminisce on the infamous nicknames given to Mr. Brandon Sides over the past few seasons of Wood Baseball. We wish him well in his endeavours.

If anyone reading feels a little sick to their stomach, that just means you are a respectable individual.
Names are courtesy of Steve McDevitt, Grant Bledsoe, Dave Aubuchon and Frank Bauch

Brandon “The Swedish Game Hen Comes with Two” Sides
Brandon “Trim the top, but a 2 on the” Sides
Brandon “The jury will now deliberate after hearing both” Sides
Brandon “Cook for two minutes, or until golden brown on both” Sides 
Brandon “Yes I know she beat him senseless with a hatchet, a rubber dildo and bayonet but every story has two” Sides
My name is Brandon Maximus Decimus “cold slaw and potato skins are my favorite,” Sides-Meridius
Brandon “To see the anal scenes on the disc, you have to watch both” Sides
Brandon “I like to butter my toast on both” Sides
Brandon “sometimes I grow a mustache and pretend I’m the captain of old Iron” Sides.
Brandon “Before I cross I check the street on both” Sides
Brandon “I learned to swim by holding onto the” Sides
Brandon “Look on the bright” Sides
Brandon “ look bitch, if you are going to suck the left ball, you might as well go for both“ Sides
Brandon “You go left, I go right, and we’ll attack on both” Sides
Brandon “profanity is not necessary ,I do understand how I only got a 40%; I didn’t realize the test was printed on both” Sides
Brandon “I like to season my steak on both” Sides
Brandon “my rocky road ice cream is dripping down the“ Sides 
Brandon “Pain in the” Sides
Brandon “I’ll wear my fireproof onesy when I travel to Colorado now to stay on the safe” Sides
Brandon “No more bath salts for me, last I tried those I ate some dude’s face on both” Sides
Brandon "Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my hands under my armpits, then put them up to my nose on both" Sides
Brandon "when I watch Olympic gymnastics, I like to pretend I'm competing in pommel horse, prop myself up on the coffee table and swing my legs around the" Sides 
Brandon "What the hell?  This urinal's not working, I'd better check the in" Sides
Brandon "Colby, give me your popsicle so I can lick the" Sides
Brandon "before the money shot I'm going to penis slap your face on both" Sides
Brandon "I got ready for my move to sunny L.A. by tanning on both" Sides