The Un-Wrath of the Titans

Throwing With Coach emerges from the depths of obscurity as Wood clash the Titans

June 23rd, 2012

Game 1: Wood 10  Titans 4

Game 2: Wood 7  Titans 1 

“Even if my dick was a foot long I couldn’t hit that ball on the outside corner, oh wait it is that big. Ok fair call blue…”

 -Brandon Sides after striking out looking on an outside fastball

This Blog is brought to you by 

“Eli you deep dicking son of a bitch…”

-Jevon Mattiassi after watching a porno featuring his favorite porn star Eli “Most Interesting Man on the Wood” Alexander

“I don’t normally watch guy on guy porn, but when I do, I watch Eli…”

-Jevon Mattiassi 

Today’s world of technology allows one to constantly be connected to the world. Tweets, status updates, email subscriptions, young, news-reporting boys showing up at your doorstep serenading you with the day’s events, and late, late, late night emails that need an interpreter who can decipher inebriated binary code keep you abreast on the musings of the world. Sometimes you wish you could just disconnect and crawl into the fetal position on your sofa, but then you remember that your roommate is a guy named Jerry Sandusky.

After many attempts Geronimo's friends finally convinced
him he was missing the O-O-D so no one was getting
Wood updates after all 

This is not one of those times.

You’ve been waiting for some sort of update.

A word.

A sign. 

Maybe a smoke signal?

Slight scars are visible on your person where the withdrawal hives once invaded your skin like Grant’s calves invading a BOGO sale on soccer socks in the freeze of winter.

You’re left only to ponder - what in God’s name happened to the Wood Blog?

What happened to Wood?

Is the team still in existence? 

Did the blogger fly the coop to begin a career as the bearded lady in the Stockton circus? Did he sustain a writing injury? Perhaps his quill snapped in half with one end falling innocuously to the floor and the other end torpedoing right into his jugular causing him to perish on impact?

Much to Sides' chagrin, he recalls thinking after the
fateful drunken night... oh boy...that's a man, man! 

What the frig’ is going on?

Let me bring you up to speed…

I’ll start at the beginning:

First there was a large bang. (No, not the large bang weighing 220 pounds and donning a  handlebar mustache that Brandon “I’ll wear my fireproof onesy when I travel to Colorado now to stay on the safe” Sides took down at the 2009 Naba convention), but one where the planets aligned. Then dinosaurs ruled the Earth. Then the Earth cooled and they all died. Then George Michael started waiting for truckers at roadway rest stops…ok let’s fast forward to 2012 Wood season and look into hiring a new Wood blogger (possibly the one who doesn’t date men)…

For avid Wood readers, you probably already know the season started with three straight wins, when Wood went lobster diving and de-clawed the Blue Claws, unloaded a vat of kryptonite on the Heroes, and tied up Phitan bats with those electromagnetic necklace thingys. What you probably don’t know, is they then got swept away by the Tsunami, sock puppeted the Black Sox, holed the Aces, slipped past the Sea Lions, vaccinated the Mad Dogs, were bent over by the Cocks, then finally adiosed the Dons, not once, but twice. If you are like most and have no idea what this means, let me sum it up for you.

Wood Baseball=Awesome

Wood entered Saturday’s double-header against division foe, the Titans cockily sporting a 9-2 record; good enough for first place in the Bay East division. 

The sun was out, the grass was green, and the homeless contingency of fans had yet to awake from their late night libations of the PCP variety, so the morning game kicked off with just a small handful of misfits, cut-throats, gay lovers, thugs, and Cameron’s girlfriend and Mom. After a brilliant pitching performance by Chente, Wood found themselves on the right side of the scoreboard, winning 10-4.

By the time game two rolled around, the female fans were getting restless. After watching repeated previews of the male stripper movie “Magic Sean,” they were ready to see a performance, and it had been rumored that he was going to be game two’s hurler. A few of the female fans had even started ringing out their undergarments in anticipation of the sexy rookie. 

In the solar system, Titan is known as Saturn’s largest moon, but on this day, Wood fire-thrower Sean Bachelder reduced the Titan’s baseball club to a speck of cosmic dust. He cruised through six innings of work allowing just one run. Six female onlookers sustained broken fingers due to the excitement of Bachelder’s plight. Wood third-baseman Dave Aubuchon simply tripled to show admiration. Reports later surfaced that Aubuchon was seen frolicking in the park wearing only a game-worn Bachelder jersey to cover himself, but that could neither be denied...nor denied. 

Jevon (above) sporting his souvenir sliding pants from
Roitinger School for Boys and Base Runners narrowly made it back safely 

Wood stockpiled a plethora of runs courtesy of key hits and smart base running despite Wood players “walking on eggshells.” With the ghost of Wood past, Steve McDevitt in attendance, Wood players were reminded of what a pussy he is, and how delicate they should be on the base paths. Jevon Mattiassi, fresh off his graduation from the Rick School of base-running staved off a pickoff attempt when a game of pickle went awry for Titan defenders.  

Once Bachelder ran out of steam, it was up to the bullpen to bring home victory. And who would be just the man for the job?

Cows voluntarily slaughter themselves in hopes of becoming his glove.

His bats get blisters after he takes batting practice.

When he plays third, there are no bad hops.

When he throws a pitch, the umpire asks HIM if it is a ball or a strike.

When he drills a batter with a pitch, the batter is called out for getting in the way of his ball’s trajectory.

When he is pitching he can take as long as he wants in between pitches…and he does.

When he is warm enough to go into the game, he still says he’s not ready, but when he does go in he dominates.

There is a Naba award named after him that he’s never won.

There is no crying in baseball, unless he does.

When he makes a basket catch, he literally uses a basket.

His batting average always goes up even when he gets out.

When he blows a save, it is always blamed on the previous pitcher.

His bats pine tar themselves.

He is the Most Interesting Man on the Wood

He is Ely Alexander.

And as usual, Alexander came in from the bullpen and mowed down hitters…literally.

At the end of the day Wood came out on top, 7-1 and improved their season record to 11-2.

Next week they’ll square off versus the Monsters (2-11) at Moscone. Great seats are still available (as long as you come with your own dime bag of PCP)