Weissen-something Paces Wood Past Phitans

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World renown Wood Blogger Grant Bledsoe

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"Ain't No fun if my Wood Can't Have None" - Moby Dick Bar Rap sessions 2009
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"Aubuchon Uncovered" - Best seller exposing what really goes on during Aubuchon's "dance" recitals in the midwest.




Wood 11, Phitens 2

April 22nd, 2012

His first name is pronounced “kam-er-un.”  His last name is debatable.  However you want to say it, Cameron Weissensee had a heck of a day Sunday.  The center fielder collected four hits en route to an 11-2 Wood win over the Phitans at Aragon High School.

Rumor has it, that in Germany, all
Weissenstazzen has to do is flex his
pinky toe and the beer girls go wild

When asked about his last name, his Wood teammates sneeze, cough, or simply walk away.  Another favored tactic is sticking to common monikers like “Cam” or “Camerones.”  A few will even refuse to acknowledge that he has a last name.  But if you ask Weissenkatzen himself, he might tell you that it doesn’t matter  - he doesn’t need a last name to get four hits in one game.  

He might be right. 

Weissensteimer not only went 4-5 at the plate, but along with fellow outfielders Ryan Tovani and Adam Fong, kept more balls off the grass than the Mattiassi family chastity belt.  

Antonio Mattiassi, donning the family belt in the early 19^th century

Fortunately for Wood and the rest of the league, Weissenspatzel hasn’t let success go to his head since the hitting clinic.  When asked about his performance in a post game interview at The Blackthorn, he replied confidentially, “Enough questions. Pour the Cam a beer; he got four hits today.” 

Sides getting loose for his first start of the 2012 campaign

And now moving on to Wood’s defense…

Brandon “when I dress up like Kriss-Kross, I wear my clothes on the wrong” Sides took the pill for Wood on Sunday, and after a roller-coaster outing managed to hold the Phitans to only two runs.  It was a gutsy call to give Sides the start after reports surfaced he was guzzling Jack Daniels in the parking lot prior to the game. 

“Brandon does most things better when intoxicated, so if pitching is anything like pole dancing he should be pretty damn good today, an unfazed, interim manager Dave Aubuchon replied when asked about the call. 

Calling the start sporadic would be an understatement.  Sides managed to work himself out of trouble in nearly every inning; a stop-and-go sequence reminiscent of a pay-by-the-quarter vibrator.  After gutting out four innings on adrenaline, grit, and well-timed double plays, Sides handed the reins and a large lead to the bullpen. 

Chente Lopez took over for Sides in the fifth, and armed with only off colored tennis shoes and prescription Oakley sunglasses, earned his first win of the 2012 campaign.  Refreshed from his standard four-inning catnap, Lopez mixed together a slew of pitches to keep the Phitans off balance.  Lopez was unavailable for a post game interview at the Blackthorn.  He was however seen asking Weissenflaven for hitting pointers, while pouring Weissenberg’s seventh beer of the afternoon. 

Sides yells at Whelly for not going “yahtzee” enough

Supplementing Lopez’s “just throw down some fingers and we’ll see what happens” relief effort were several key plays up the middle by Will the Tong, Matt Moyer, and Pat Whelly.  Especially exceptional was Whelly’s overall play on Sunday, despite being just one day removed from being in the skipper’s doghouse because of not hitting enough “piss-rockets.”

Weissenberger’s offensive onslaught was aided by big base hits from various Wood both up and down the lineup.  Ryan Tovani, Frank Bauch, Pat Whelly, and Grant Bledsoe all singled, and Will the Tong smashed a double to left field that nearly left the yard.

Aubuchon, who is trained in jazz and tap (but whose roots lie in erotic shadow dancing), took the opportunity of managing with a lead to alter his own offensive approach in the batter’s box.  The former “Thunder Down Under” took a new batting stance to the plate and also contributed a big hit.

Dave Aubuchon draws a walk during the 2011 Wood season

Wood is now 3-0 on the year thanks to Sunday’s win, and won’t be forgetting how to say “Weissensee” any time soon.  They lock horns with rival Tsunami at Balboa Park this Saturday.  Great seats are still available.