Throwing With Coach: Lana-Who?

... the wood season opener set against the backdrop of the lanahan departure...

Wood 11 Blue Claws 0

April 7th, 2012

San Bruno, Ca – The blue claw crab (Callinectes sapidus for you science freaks out there) is typically native to the Atlantic Ocean, seen as far north as Nova Scotia and as far south as Argentina. It has also been witnessed in the Gulf of Mexico, and even as far as Japan and Europe. Typically you wouldn’t see such an abundance of crabs unless you frequented The Green Door massage parlor on Bush street, but like Steve at his last keg party at Harvey’s Bar in the Castro, this crab has really gotten around. Predators of the claw include sharks, rays, large fish, turtles, large birds, and other sea creatures Jacques Cousteau more than likely had sexual relations with. Saturday, crustacean researchers added another predator to the list as the ubiquitous claws fell 11-0 in a shortened game to Wood Baseball Club . The game kicked off the 2012 campaign.

On the field, there were no jet flybys, giant American flags in the outfield or William Hungs singing the National Anthem, but a wave of excitement flooded Wood players as they took their positions.

He doesn't mean that well Jevon

Opening day is always a time for renew, rejuvenation and rebirth. The three R’s as they call them, or at least that’s what Joel Osteen’s buddy told me after he had me injected kool-aid into my right buttocks. Errors and misplays of past seasons are forgotten and only the road that lies ahead becomes the focus. On opening day life’s simple pleasures become monumental libations.

Your meatloaf sandwich tastes just that much better. Your hairline seems to be advancing for a day instead of receding. It no longer burns when you pee for the first time since you unknowingly slept with that Russian transvestite while high on bath salts. And last but not least for one Wood player, the most stunning realization hit on opening day – MTV’s TRL is not really all that bad. "You know, he really means well,” Jevon Mattiassi responded with a twinkle in his eye, when asked how he felt about long-time host Carson Daly.

One Wood player even rode the high of an upcoming opening day into a proposal. Congratulations to Grant Bledsoe who is now the largest-calved engaged man in the U.S. We are happy to permanently anoint Megan as a lifelong member of the Woodettes. It’s likely now that she has Grant locked up, she won’t waste her Saturdays watching a couple of tallywhacks play baseball, but should she still grace us with her presence we shall be very grateful.

The game marked a couple of firsts for the team. It was Dave Aubuchon’s managerial debut filling in for the Fuhrer, Brandon “my rocky road ice cream is dripping down the“ Sides who was vacationing in the tourist heavy town of Modesto. It was also the first game without super Wood standout John Lanahan who took off for the warmer waters of the New York wood bat baseball league. Lanahan was recently in the news when a video of the departure announcement deep within the bunkers of the Wood clubhouse went viral. It was clear Sides had no idea of the pending move, and clearly showed his disdain when told.

Despite the drama leading up to the game, Wood proved they had no problem forging on without the star, and started off the season on the right track with Aubuchon at the helm.

2011 ended with the cooling of Wood bats, but the team was determined to discontinue that trend and got off to an early 3-0 start courtesy of a handful of walks, a few “piss-rockets,” and in particular a big RBI-single off the bat of Grant Bledsoe. When the dust settled at the end of the day almost every starter in Wood’s lineup ended with at least one hit.

Ryan Tovani had the largest one; a blast over the left-fielder’s head resulting in a double and a run scored. Will Tong added a couple hits and a walk, Jevon Mattiasi had a seeing-eye single, Pat Whelly added a single, and Frank had a classic Bauch poke in the hit parade.

Steve McDevitt started on the mound and shut down Claw bats, scattering two hits while walking two and striking out four. His biggest accomplishment came in the fourth inning when he managed to throw a slider behind a right-handed batter.

After the play Steve was signed to play the lead role
in the next Octopus action movie

While not quite as large as an accomplishment, in the third inning he showed his un-athleticism by going the other way across his body, diving, then stopping in mid air to catch a ball before landing with it in his glove. There were more arms and legs in the air than the prosthetic factory in The Fugitive.

Grant Bledsoe came in and pitched two perfect innings in relief, striking out four in the process in a brilliant return to the mound. Newcomer Chente Lopez closed the game out wearing only a pair of tennis shoes and a Wood jersey. He was not wearing any pants but still struck out three claws.

After the win, it marked yet another first for team Wood. A signed baseball from all twelve players in attendance was handed out to some fans actually willing to take it. The reality is they were all big Ryan Tovani fans.

All around it was all about a perfectly executed gameplan, and Wood will hold their head high for the week. Next week Wood will square up for a pair at Balboa Park against the Heroes. Great seats are still available.

MVP: Rick & Whelly for their sweet-ass bunt singles down the third base line.