Wood Baseball = TORTURE
Wood 4, Heroes 3
April 14th, 2012
San Francisco, Ca- The day’s warm-ups started just like any
other; a couple Ejaculators tossing the pill around set for another afternoon
of Wood baseball. The day ended like no other.
The morning contest of the double-header against division
rival Heroes had been called off which should have been a sign that all the
excitement set for both would be relegated into one game.
Is it possible someone noticed the miraculous coincidence that H-E-R-O-E-S is six letters and so is W-H-E-L-L-Y, interconnecting the two, thus morphing the intuitive fan into a finely-tuned S.F. NABA
Nostradamus? Maybe. Surely, had the homeless guy in the bushes done less masturbating,
and more prognosticating, he may have predicted the plight of the Whelly and foresaw
the day’s magical climax. They might have also picked up on the foreshadowing
of a juggling catch to come, when a one-legged raccoon, a flaming bowling pin,
and a circus clown was spotted somewhere down the first base line. A clear sign of Steve or Grant’s spirit animal
getting in prime position for the juggling play set to take place shortly.
Alas, all of the warning signs were missed as Wood took the
field under the beautiful blue sky of Moscone Park in the Marina. The sun was
ablaze, the fans were out in full force, and the opposing team, which was
primarily of Japanese descent, had a player named Edemame; I swear.
Steve McDevitt took the rock for Wood and although each
inning of work went about as smoothly as a groundhog eating ice cream, he still
managed to make it through six innings of work relatively unscathed. Other than
a couple of hard hit balls, there were more pop ups than a Jack in the Box
convention off Heroes’ bats that somehow found their way to outfield grass. Luckily
he worked his way out of most jams with the exception of one. It was a
marmalade jam in case you are scoring at home.
Defense behind him was stellar at times, and average at
others, but was mostly due to bad hops, obstructing runners, and seeing-eye pop
ups.
The greatest play of the afternoon
came on a strategically choreographed catch performed to perfection by Grant
and Steve, when a towering pop up was hit between the two of them near first
base. Just like a teen-ager practicing
kissing her pillow, Grant and Steve too had practiced perfecting their skills,
so much that Grant’s pillow had actually filed a sexual harassment suit against
him. At the time of the prestige the ball popped out of Grant’s glove as
planned, and into the glove of the diving, outreached Steve. True perfection.
Heroes starting pitcher held Wood scoreless in 7 innings of work |
After a week where Wood bats came alive like George Michael
at a glory hole, they regressed when up against a reincarnated Chris Farley
southpaw. There were certainly plenty of scoring opportunities, but through
seven innings the closest Wood came to scoring was when Steve McDevitt sat on
the pitch counter on the bench and took it up his rear.
Each inning was the same. A hit, a walk, then
a small village of base runners stranded on base. A run almost crossed the
plate in the sixth inning when Rick Roitinger attempted to steal home but was
tagged out.
Heroes hitter after Ely was finished with him |
After McDevitt went six innings allowing three runs, Ely
“I’m not ready, ok I’m ready, no I’m not ready, ok, I’ll go in,” Alexander took
the helm and was stellar in relief. He held the Heroes scoreless in three
innings of work, but managed to maim a guy when he drilled him in the lower
back, turning him into a crumpled piece of origami paper.
Despite Alexander’s brilliant relief outing, all appeared
lost for Wood. Even Grant Bledsoe who had a huge double earlier in the game
couldn’t hide his frustration. Out of pure
disdain, he fouled a pitch right off of on-deck hitter Sean Bachelder’s ass.
The fans cried out... Lets go Wood... Lets go Wood... (actually I think it was a Lets go Giants chant, but who's counting?) |
But then the ninth inning came.
Wood has lost many games before.
They will lose many
games in the future.
The wrath of the opposition has been struck down upon thee
and Wood has been defeated.
But not on this day.
This day Wood would not stand pat and accept defeat when
faced with the eyes of agony.
Vengeance would supersede the fallen, and Wood would gnash
its gnarly teeth, and strike down upon the Heroes.
With one out, Brandon “Pain in the” Sides strolled to the
plate. A few moments later he was on first base with a single.
Steve McDevitt grounded into what could have been a game-ending
double play, but the stone-cold
Heroes defense finally botched a play. Bases
loaded.
Will Tong then hit a grounder to the left side of the infield
which resulted in complete infield debauchery. Two runs score. 3-2 Heroes.
When you find yourself in the arms of fellow team members, you know the Wood is strong |
On the play McDevitt managed to destroy his knee and was
hauled off the field but that’s not important right now.
Cameron came up next and smashed a single. Game tied,
3-3.
Next, Patrick “The Hero” Whelly strode to the plate.
Years from now when they visit the statue erected outside of Whelly Memorial Stadium fans will speak of the day when Whelly went from man to a God.
Whelly crushed a walk-off double into the gap and Wood comes out victorious. A hero is born.
God or Pat Whelly? You be the judge |
A wondrous afternoon comes to a close as Wood refuses to accept the loss and overcomes adversity to come out victorious.
The 2-0 Wood face The Phitens next Sunday. Great seats are
still available.
All that's missing from this D-bag is a "Kick Me' Sign on his back |
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