WOOD Burned By Blazers

 

June 7^th, 2013

Blazers 2

WOOD 0

The Manitees were a sensation in 1999, but have
struggled lately to find the balance between size
and athleticism.

In sports, there are seasons where a team gets lucky and catches lightning in a bottle.  Any team can experience spurts of great success from time to time.  The 2006 Chicago White Sox come to mind, as do the 2001 Seattle Mariners. The 2004 Tampa Bay Lightning are another, along with the 1999 Manitees from the Scranton Amateur Roller Derby League.

Then there are dynasties.  Teams with consistent and long lasting success: the Yankees of the mid 90s / early 2000s, the Oakland A’s in the 70s, and the Chicago Bulls when Jordan was around.

While WOOD’s success over the last several years might not be called a dynasty quite yet, the seeds have been planted for long lasting dominance…..and much of it is thanks to Frank Bauch’s recruiting efforts.  Bauch, the Johnny Appleseed of SF NABA, has managed to sign numerous current WOOD stars.  Many of whom have brought along their friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, and lovers to play ball for the club.  Bauch signed up fan favorite Pat Whelly and both Moyer brothers.  The Moyers then brought in Alex Webber-Shapiro, Chente Lopez, and Zach Mandelblatt.  All make up a major core of WOOD baseball.

Frank’s efforts have been a boon to WOOD, and in the process made him a folk hero among the fan base.  Unfortunately, Frank has been so successful that he’s generated some jealousy among his teammates in the scouting department.  WOOD’s silver bullet pitcher, and resident poet Steve McDevitt was seen fuming after Frank’s last star signing of Zach Mandelblatt. 

“That damned Bauch got another one!  I’ll get him somehow…..even if I have to wear the Mattiassi masturbation sleeve while doing it!”  McDevitt fumed.  We’re still unsure how wearing the Mattiassi sleeve spites Frank, but must assume that Steve’s rage somehow clouded his judgment.  

The classic Mattiassi Masturbation
Sleeve - signature edition.

McDevitt then conjured up a plan so diabolical, even the ex-SF NABA team Diablos would balk.  “That’s it!  I’ll have sons! One to replace every player Bauch has ever signed!!”  At that point Steve set out on a mission….a long term mission….to bear a son to replace each and every Bauch signing. 

Steve is off this week pursuing this long (and logically questionable) dream – Woodette Alisa is due with a boy any second.  WOOD wishes the McDevitts a healthy and happy baby, and speedy return so the world doesn’t have to read this guest blogger’s dribble.

 

Now to the ballgame.   

WOOD dropped a frustrating contest 2-0 to the Blazers on Friday night under the lights at Albert Park.  Kevin “why is it so sticky on these magazine” Page(s) got the start, and fought valiantly through five innings of two run baseball.  It’s an understatement to call Page a warrior on the mound.  At one point in the contest Page found himself in a self-inflicted jam. He then let out a battle cry so loud that even Rocky the annoying team pet stopped barking…..for about ten seconds.  Page managed to work his way out of the jam with the help of his drunken entourage, and ended up holding the Blazers to only two runs.

WOOD bats on the other hand went quiet on Friday night.  Blazers pitching managed to hold WOODs offense to only a handful of hits, and induced no less than four double play balls. 

On the positive side, WOOD fans were happy to see both Adam Fong and Cam Weissenwhatza back in uniform.  Both were warmly welcomed back to the WOOD dugout, although Adam was quickly sidelined with an undisclosed illness (full disclosure: Adam lost a fight with the dollar menu at Taco Bell). 

Other positives were Grant Bledsoe's relief pitching, throwing four scoreless innings after Page exited.  WOOD also had the support of a drunken hobo who wandered in from the street.  While the paparazzi initially assumed the die-hard was Rick Roitenger’s personal strength training coach, Rick quickly dispatched the idea and insisted his body was “all natural baby”.  Judging from the chest hairs pouring through his uniform, this must be true.

Thanks go to all the WOOD faithful who endured hours in the bleacher seats, especially Alex Webber-Shapiro’s Mom for bringing watermelon slices.   And Kevin’s friend for bringing consolation beers.  Much appreciated.

WOOD straps it on (I mean up) again this Saturday for a double dip versus the Pirates at Hillsdale High School.  Great seats still available.