Sunday, July 31, 2011

There’s Always Time to Bone


Wood hurler fans 10 in victory

Wood 6, Blue Claws 3

July 30th, 2011

“A little game of cat and ballgame…”

-Ryan Tovani talking about the great mind games Rick Roitinger plays with opposing pitchers… moments later he was picked off for a second time

“Steve McDevitt is the best pitcher I’ve ever seen…”

-Paul Blitzkloggervich witnessing his first baseball game

“Your son has a huge penis …”

-Jevon moments after meeting my Dad

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I always hear -Steve you are too modest. You never want recognition… Well fine. Here it goes. I am the best pitcher on the planet.

Larkspur, Ca – Under the hot Marin sun Wood phenom pitcher Steve McDevitt threw eight strong innings to lead Wood to victory Saturday afternoon. The pitches were sharp, Wood’s defense was phenomenal, and Mattiassi’s post game words for the winning pitcher’s Dad was awkwardly classic.

In the effort he allowed just one unearned run, while striking out ten and walking none. Wood bats put up just enough run support to get McDevitt the win. Dylan Mattingly came in for the ninth and was able to close the door despite drilling two Blue Claws, which according to Marin County's Fish & Game law is one over the legal limit for crustaceans.

No wonder McDevitt struck out 10, these lovable shellfish have no thumbs for christ sake

All in all, great game played by Wood in a must needed win situation.

MVP: Steve McDevitt – did I mention I was the best pitcher like ever?

LVP: Rick “He giveth and he taketh away” Roitinger was picked off twice

Co-MVP Brandon “Look on the bright” Sides collected his first hit of the year on a single to left field.

Wood faces the Blazers on Sunday in another must win contest.

Wood Trounced By BaySox


Big third inning too much for Wood to overcome

BaySox 10, Wood 2

July 27th, 2011

“Hey Jevon, sometimes they fall in and sometimes … you still suck.”

-Ryan Tovani

Words of Un-Couragement offered in the form o

f a 19th century haiku after Jevon Mattiassi flied out weakly toright field



How much Wood could a Bay Sock chuck if a Bay Sock could chuck Wood?

10 runs worth.

How do you like them haiku apples Bill?

San Rafael, Ca – In front a decent sized crowd, the Baysox capitalized early on Wood fielding mistakes on their way to victory Wednesday night at Albert Park. The collection of fans in attendance was an eclectic group, there to enjoy a beautiful summer night under the lights. No one knows for sure if the crowd was there to watch the game or to pass the time on a mushroom trip, but it was a sizable crowd nonetheless.

Early on, it came clearly apparent that whoever this Albert character was, did not like Wood, contrary to several eye witness reports taken in the back room of Moby Dick bar in the Castro.

Jevon “don’t forget to bring your yoga” Mattiassi startedthe game and cruised through the first two innings unscathed. Offensively, Wood struck early with a run in the first inning as well.

Things were looking good until the third inning when the women and children went to bed and Wood started looking around for their Mommy.

Walking the leadoff hitter in an inning leads to a run 70 percent of the time. Walking the first two hitters in an inning leads to a run infinity percent of the time. On this night these proven statistics extracted from the McDevitt Almanac which lack any sort of ounce of validity, held true. The Bay Sox put six runs on the board facilitated by a couple of walks, hits and a throwing error by Mattiassi which turned a sacrifice bunt into a triple.

Luckily, Mattiassi has a team filled with guys ready to pick him up, pat him on the back and encourage him to keep fighting. The Wood is stron-

“If it wasn’t for the errors we’d be out of this, mostly the error made by you by the way”

-Ryan Tovani, offering Mattiassi yet more un-couragement after his throwing error allowed two runs to score and a bunt to be scored as a triple. Tovani lost his position as team therapist shortly afterwards

From there the deficit turned to out be insurmountable and despite Wood’s best efforts, and more runs tacked on, the BaySox cruised easily to victory.

Wood lost the game 10-2, dropping their season record to 7-9. Not too impressive but good enough for second place in the wild Ocean East Division.

Coach Brandon "I let my ice cream run down my cone on both" Sides, was not in attendance.

Wood faces division foe Blue Claws Saturday morning in Larkspur, Ca. Great seats are still available.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Wood Is Incarcerated



July 22, 2011
Wood Baseball Club
Written by Steve McDevitt



Sitting on 432 acres of valuable waterfront real estate in Marin County overlooking San Francisco Bay, San Quentin State Prison houses the state’s most dangerous and violent
criminals.

Built in 1852 it is is the oldest prison in California and also operates the largest death row in the country, with roughly 630 male prisoners condemned to death.

Bordered by the San Francisco Bay, the views outside the prison walls are nothing short of picturesque bliss. The Richmond-San Rafael Bridge, San Francisco skyline, and Mt.Tamalpais , Marin’s towering centerpiece are all in clear view. Tourists travels thousands of miles just to see the stunning landscape.

Inside the prison some of the most notorious inmates sit, some in solitude, oblivious to the magnificent beauty. The glassy water of the cove splashes softly against the perilous rocks of San Quentin Point just a stone's throw away. The inmates on death row will never see this splendor again.

Since the 1920's fortunate inmates, who can also play some ball have been permitted to play baseball, but only since 1994 have they played against players from outside the walls. The appropriateness of the privilege has been questioned over time, but the games have continued, and last Saturday Wood Baseball Club braved the morning fog, meticulous bag searches, and intimidation of the prison yard to take on one of the prison's teams- the San Quentin Giants.


Outside the prison walls, it was the usual pregame routine; gathering up bats, pine-tar, helmets, and making sure the uniform was on correctly. Once through the prison gates and into the yard and into a situation far more precarious, emotion took over.

My expectations going in were fairly low. My goal was to, well, come out alive, as I envisioned myself on the losing end of a prison yard pummeling, should I make a step in the wrong direction, use the wrong water fountain, or accidentally bean a player on the opposing team. I feared that the baseball game itself was simply just a distraction; a nine-inning affair delaying the inevitable, as the prisoners plotted an attempt on my life.

I was dead. Dead wrong that is.

As it turned out the baseball game was a distraction. It was a distant second to the emotions, and tremendous life experience that I shared with my fellow teammates. Instead, it was an eye-opening experience I will never forget.

The field at San Quentin is probably downright the worst looking baseball field I have ever played a game on. The infield is comprised of all dirt, most of which is pure sand, and no grass. The outfield grass is home for more gophers, rats, and insects than the Amazon Jungle. The scoreboard is made out of wood (not the team), and is operated by two inmates. The outfield fence is capped off by barbwire less penetrable than Omaha Beach in Normandy. The foul territory has more bad bounces than a handball game played with an octagonal ball. In right field, in the field of the play inmates are playing cards.

No one cared.

All these unique features only added a nostalgic aura.

One of the tons of inmates who came and talked to us while we were on the bench asked us where we were from. When we told him San Francisco, he asked, "What's it like? I haven't been there in 19 years."

19 years?! I was 11 years old. He'd been in prison for just under half of his natural life.

After the first inning or two elapsed and the emotions started to wear down a bit, I was
standing out in left field, wondering which onlooker was going to initiate my maiming, as the fog finally burned off and gave way to a majestic blue sky. Behind it a hill covered with golden brown grass appeared. It was at that moment, that I actually realized...holy shit we are playing baseball at San Quentin Prison! As an amiable smile formed on my face, I realized something. This wasn't a game between Wood Baseball Club and the convicted felons of San Quentin. It was just 18 men men as equals, playing the game that they love.

Nothing more, nothing less.

And the best part of all? The third baseman and shortstop from the Giants had the biggest smiles for the entire game. Every player on the team said thank you at least six times for us coming out to play.

Wood won the game 7-4, however once the last out was recorded, no one on either side seemed to care about anything less than the mutual respect for one another.

As we found our way back to the gates after the game, a handful of prisoners who were watching, some of who could snap me in half in the blink of an eye, gratuitously thanked us for coming out and begged us to come back again.

It was a life changing event, and thinking about it still puts a smile on my face. Sure, realistically I didn't think I was going to get psychically tormented, but I thought I would be verbally harassed, disrespected and resented, but I was shown none of the above. We were treated with the most utmost respect by these "unfit for society" inmates.

People make bad decisions in life, and I'm not going to justify that what each individual did was right. At the end of the day though, to me these guys were not inmates. They were simply men just like myself who love playing the game of baseball. And for one day we were able to share that passion despite our remarkably different lives.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Wood Washed Away by Tsnuami



Tsunami 10, Wood 7

July 17, 2011


Nenlo Park, Ca – There was a baseball game played last Sunday morning and the score of the game was 10 to 7.

That is all.


Meanwhile in Russia...


Wood squares off against the inmates of San Quentin Saturday morning. Hopefully they return with all their teeth and appendages.




Stats from game:



Offense:


Their pitcher struck out 7 and walked 7.


5 of our 7 runs were earned.


6-8 in our order were most productive. Mike, Will, and Jevon collected 4 RBI's between them. Nice job guys.


Wood had 9 hits




Pitching:


All 10 runs we allowed were earned.


All 4 of our pitchers struck out 2 batters total.


All 4 pitchers collectively walked 9 batters.


Tsunami had 13 hits. That's a lot of base runners.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

I'm Not an Umpire

Wood sweeps the double header against Phitans to reclaim first place

Wood 14, Phitans 4

Wood 6, Phitans 3

“I’m trying so hard to like you right now and you’re not helping…”

-Jevon Mattiassi doing his best or worst Pablo Francisco impression
_________________________________________________________________________

“I sound like Axel Rose…”

-Ely Alexander letting the team know he has the vocals of a rock icon

“That Jevon Mattiassi is one fine piece of ass; I know from experience if you know what I mean…”

-Police Officer Rodney “Grab Your Ankles” Willoughby viewing the game from the window of the police station overlooking the backstop

July 10th, 2011

Growing up, every youngster dreams about being something great. Some want to be a famous athlete. Others? A fireman. For others, maybe it was an astronaut that tickled their fancy. The story is always the same and America loves to embrace the underdog with a story. A young boy aspires for greatness, and then achieves it with the most limited of resources, family, and opportunity. For Brandon “I learned to swim by holding onto the” Sides, the tale was no different.

Oh what could have been

Some of Brandon’s family members claim that Brandon used to go around the house announcing to the world what profession he was.

“I’m a police man,” Sides would shout as he pretended to apprehend a notorious crook.

“I’m an erotic dancer,” he’d exclaim as he made sexual gestures with the vacuum cleaner.

While Sides fantasized about many future endeavors there was one that his family noticed stood out above the rest.

He longed to become an umpire.

“He’d shout it out on the lawn on a daily basis,” one of Sides’ neighbor s complained, putting down his Kool-Aid just before heading to a religious cult meeting.

“To this day, I’ve never seen anyone receive that much pleasure from a vacuum cleaner,” the neighborhood mailman muttered, when asked of his fondest memory of Sides.

“Throwing with Who?” replied Archibald Googleson, the neighborhood geriatric drunk.

Despite his aspirations Sides always felt like he didn’t live up to his dreams. He kept hope of being an umpire alive, and up until this past Sunday, would scour local fields hoping to call a game of whatever he could find. His efforts fell short when he was flagged on Megan’s Law.com after officiating a nine to ten year old little league game while under the influence of opium and wearing only a geranium covering his privates.

His dream was close to being over.

Sunday marked a monumental day for Sides. There comes a time in every man’s life that he is comfortable in his own skin as he accepts who he is. For Sides this happened in the second game of Wood’s double header.

With a runner on first, and Sides manning third base coaching duties, Phitan pitcher started to make a move towards first, but stopped short of throwing the ball. Sides’ instincts kicked in and he immediately sprang into action, exuberantly shouting to the umpire that the pitcher had balked. Much to the chagrin of Sides, and to no surprise to anyone on the field, the pitcher had stepped off the rubber first.

Dejected, a sulking Sides, for the first time in his life, shouted the four words that he previously never could.

“I’m not an umpire.”

too much awesome on my feet

Afterwards Sides felt a wave of relief come over him as every cell in his body finally was at peace, with what his family and friends had known all along.

Sides is no umpire.

But he is one helluva Wood Baseball coach, and not a single person will argue that.

San Francisco, Ca - Sunday Sides led Wood to a two-game sweep of the Phitans, storming the Phitan shores to overtake first place in the division, solidifying himself as one of the league’s top managers.

Wood players had their heads on a swivel, knowing that this double header would change the course of their season. No player was more in tune with the game’s chakras than star catcher, Jevon Mattiassi. Having the foresight and foreskin to read the umpire’s energy levels, Mattiassi warned his teammates not to play any funny business with the umpire who appeared ready to make some heads roll at first sign of any tomfoolery.


How did the team respond?

Respectfully.

How did Mattiassi do listening to his own advice?

Well, after a close pitch at the knees went momentarily uncalled, the slugger tossed his bat aside and took off towards first and was a fourth of the way down the line before the umpire called the pitch a strike.

In superman fashion, Sides took the rubber in game one; a must needed game for Wood if the team was to get back on track this season. He got some early help from Wood bats, striking for two runs in the bottom of the first with hits coming from Pat Whelly, Mike Moyer, and John Lanahan who added to his RBI totals.


Wood added five runs in the second inning and two more in the third to take a resounding 9-0 lead out the gates. Adam Fong had a couple key hits, and Jevon “Get In, Get Confident,” Mattiassi (pictured) crushed the ball collecting a couple hits to show the Wood world he was back.

Nine runs were more than Sides would need as he cruised along brilliantly, tossing no-hit ball through his first four innings of work. He did manage to walk eight, but luckily no woman or children were hurt in the melee. He was also the benefactor of absolutely stellar Wood defense which encompassed two double plays under his watch.


The first was your typical 4-6-3, but the second was a little less traditional as Mike “Jim Edmonds” Moyer made a spectacular catch (pictured) on a ball in the gap, and then fired to second
to double off the runner.






Dylan Mattingly came in and pitched three masterful innings in relief to secure the win for Sides. His only moment of despair came in the 8th inning when he maimed a family of worms while trying to start a 1-6-3 double play. Luckily the play went on as planned for Wood’s third double play of the day.

Wood won the game 14-4.




MVP: Brandon Sides – his crafty pitching performance was his season’s best

LVP: Jevon Mattiassi – showing up an umpire is one thing. Showing up a handicap umpire is another. But showing up a handicap umpire, after you’ve just warned your whole team about showing him up will get you LVP honors every time

_____________________________




Game Two picked up for Wood right where game one left off. Ely “Axel Rose” Alexander took the hill and was fabulous, striking out six in his three innings of work.

Pat Whelly (i.e. John Lanahan) courtesy of the non-runner feature stole home for Wood’s first run in the second inning, and then two more runs were added in the fourth courtesy of an Adam Fong blast over the left fielder’s head. Overall Fong went a combined 14 for 15 with seven doubles on the day, or so it seemed like. “The Return of Fong,” the anticipated sequel to the best-selling novel of all time, “The Fong, The Witch & The Wardrobe,” hits bookstores Tuesday.

Alexander gave way to Steve McDevitt who threw five innings allowing two runs, one of them earned while striking out seven. John Lanahan closed the door in the ninth to record his first save of the season.

The highlight of the day came when Wood phenom and lady favorite Ryan Tovani blasted Wood’s first home run of the season.

Brandon “You hold his scapula, and I’ll hold his clavicle on both” Sides coached a splendid game leading Wood to victory, but his proudest moment came in the second game when he lent a hand to injured Phitan’s right fielder. The brave soul dislocated his shoulder on a diving play late in the game, and despite Sides’ best efforts, he was still taken off on a stretcher after Sides squeamishly took off in the other direction at the sight of the injury.

Wood won the game 6 to 3.

MVP: Adam Fong – his hot bat pounded Phitan pitching and helped in the win

LVP: Rocky – ok so no one did anything stupid enough to warrant this except for Rocky who was basically just himself for nine innings.

First place Wood will square off against a tough Tsunami (7-7) squad Sunday.

Tsunami? Is that really a respectable team name considering one just wiped out a dozen villages in Japan, and killed over 200,000 in Thailand? Wouldn’t this be like Manchester naming their local Cricket team “Bubonic Plague,” in 1340 after an estimated 25 million met their demise?

Too soon?

Whatever the case, it seems pretty apparent that most of SFNaba’s team names were picked by pretentious meteorologists, considering he or she could probably do their weather report simply by reading the standings in the Bay West Division.

If you look to west you’ll see a blanket of Fog, which will then give way to a Tsunami, but not before the Sea Lions bellow from the East. In other news, I was on a Bender this weekend, drinking at Aces Sports bar and met this hot little Red Devil who revved my Isotopes while wearing just a pair of Black Sox. She told me I was one of her Heroes, and I responded with only these three words

I Got Wood.