Weissen-something Paces Wood Past Phitans

Featuring...
World renown Wood Blogger Grant Bledsoe

Other works in production...
"Ain't No fun if my Wood Can't Have None" - Moby Dick Bar Rap sessions 2009
"The Secret at the Mattiassi Sheep Farm" - Alabama Incest Weekly best seller
"Aubuchon Uncovered" - Best seller exposing what really goes on during Aubuchon's "dance" recitals in the midwest.




Wood 11, Phitens 2

April 22nd, 2012

His first name is pronounced “kam-er-un.”  His last name is debatable.  However you want to say it, Cameron Weissensee had a heck of a day Sunday.  The center fielder collected four hits en route to an 11-2 Wood win over the Phitans at Aragon High School.

Rumor has it, that in Germany, all
Weissenstazzen has to do is flex his
pinky toe and the beer girls go wild

When asked about his last name, his Wood teammates sneeze, cough, or simply walk away.  Another favored tactic is sticking to common monikers like “Cam” or “Camerones.”  A few will even refuse to acknowledge that he has a last name.  But if you ask Weissenkatzen himself, he might tell you that it doesn’t matter  - he doesn’t need a last name to get four hits in one game.  

He might be right. 

Weissensteimer not only went 4-5 at the plate, but along with fellow outfielders Ryan Tovani and Adam Fong, kept more balls off the grass than the Mattiassi family chastity belt.  

Antonio Mattiassi, donning the family belt in the early 19^th century

Fortunately for Wood and the rest of the league, Weissenspatzel hasn’t let success go to his head since the hitting clinic.  When asked about his performance in a post game interview at The Blackthorn, he replied confidentially, “Enough questions. Pour the Cam a beer; he got four hits today.” 

Sides getting loose for his first start of the 2012 campaign

And now moving on to Wood’s defense…

Brandon “when I dress up like Kriss-Kross, I wear my clothes on the wrong” Sides took the pill for Wood on Sunday, and after a roller-coaster outing managed to hold the Phitans to only two runs.  It was a gutsy call to give Sides the start after reports surfaced he was guzzling Jack Daniels in the parking lot prior to the game. 

“Brandon does most things better when intoxicated, so if pitching is anything like pole dancing he should be pretty damn good today, an unfazed, interim manager Dave Aubuchon replied when asked about the call. 

Calling the start sporadic would be an understatement.  Sides managed to work himself out of trouble in nearly every inning; a stop-and-go sequence reminiscent of a pay-by-the-quarter vibrator.  After gutting out four innings on adrenaline, grit, and well-timed double plays, Sides handed the reins and a large lead to the bullpen. 

Chente Lopez took over for Sides in the fifth, and armed with only off colored tennis shoes and prescription Oakley sunglasses, earned his first win of the 2012 campaign.  Refreshed from his standard four-inning catnap, Lopez mixed together a slew of pitches to keep the Phitans off balance.  Lopez was unavailable for a post game interview at the Blackthorn.  He was however seen asking Weissenflaven for hitting pointers, while pouring Weissenberg’s seventh beer of the afternoon. 

Sides yells at Whelly for not going “yahtzee” enough

Supplementing Lopez’s “just throw down some fingers and we’ll see what happens” relief effort were several key plays up the middle by Will the Tong, Matt Moyer, and Pat Whelly.  Especially exceptional was Whelly’s overall play on Sunday, despite being just one day removed from being in the skipper’s doghouse because of not hitting enough “piss-rockets.”

Weissenberger’s offensive onslaught was aided by big base hits from various Wood both up and down the lineup.  Ryan Tovani, Frank Bauch, Pat Whelly, and Grant Bledsoe all singled, and Will the Tong smashed a double to left field that nearly left the yard.

Aubuchon, who is trained in jazz and tap (but whose roots lie in erotic shadow dancing), took the opportunity of managing with a lead to alter his own offensive approach in the batter’s box.  The former “Thunder Down Under” took a new batting stance to the plate and also contributed a big hit.

Dave Aubuchon draws a walk during the 2011 Wood season

Wood is now 3-0 on the year thanks to Sunday’s win, and won’t be forgetting how to say “Weissensee” any time soon.  They lock horns with rival Tsunami at Balboa Park this Saturday.  Great seats are still available.

A Hero for a Day, Wood for a Lifetime

Wood Baseball = TORTURE

Wood 4, Heroes 3

April 14th, 2012

San Francisco, Ca- The day’s warm-ups started just like any other; a couple Ejaculators tossing the pill around set for another afternoon of Wood baseball. The day ended like no other. 

The morning contest of the double-header against division rival Heroes had been called off which should have been a sign that all the excitement set for both would be relegated into one game. 

Is it possible someone noticed the miraculous coincidence that H-E-R-O-E-S is six letters and so is W-H-E-L-L-Y, interconnecting the two, thus morphing the intuitive fan into a finely-tuned S.F. NABA Nostradamus? Maybe. Surely, had the homeless guy in the bushes done less masturbating, and more prognosticating, he may have predicted the plight of the Whelly and foresaw the day’s magical climax. They might have also picked up on the foreshadowing of a juggling catch to come, when a one-legged raccoon, a flaming bowling pin, and a circus clown was spotted somewhere down the first base line.  A clear sign of Steve or Grant’s spirit animal getting in prime position for the juggling play set to take place shortly.

Alas, all of the warning signs were missed as Wood took the field under the beautiful blue sky of Moscone Park in the Marina. The sun was ablaze, the fans were out in full force, and the opposing team, which was primarily of Japanese descent, had a player named Edemame; I swear.

Steve McDevitt took the rock for Wood and although each inning of work went about as smoothly as a groundhog eating ice cream, he still managed to make it through six innings of work relatively unscathed. Other than a couple of hard hit balls, there were more pop ups than a Jack in the Box convention off Heroes’ bats that somehow found their way to outfield grass. Luckily he worked his way out of most jams with the exception of one. It was a marmalade jam in case you are scoring at home.

Defense behind him was stellar at times, and average at others, but was mostly due to bad hops, obstructing runners, and seeing-eye pop ups.  

The greatest play of the afternoon came on a strategically choreographed catch performed to perfection by Grant and Steve, when a towering pop up was hit between the two of them near first base.  Just like a teen-ager practicing kissing her pillow, Grant and Steve too had practiced perfecting their skills, so much that Grant’s pillow had actually filed a sexual harassment suit against him. At the time of the prestige the ball popped out of Grant’s glove as planned, and into the glove of the diving, outreached Steve. True perfection.   

Heroes starting pitcher held Wood
scoreless in 7 innings of work

After a week where Wood bats came alive like George Michael at a glory hole, they regressed when up against a reincarnated Chris Farley southpaw. There were certainly plenty of scoring opportunities, but through seven innings the closest Wood came to scoring was when Steve McDevitt sat on the pitch counter on the bench and took it up his rear.  

Each inning was the same. A hit, a walk, then a small village of base runners stranded on base. A run almost crossed the plate in the sixth inning when Rick Roitinger attempted to steal home but was tagged out.   

Heroes hitter after Ely was finished with him

After McDevitt went six innings allowing three runs, Ely “I’m not ready, ok I’m ready, no I’m not ready, ok, I’ll go in,” Alexander took the helm and was stellar in relief. He held the Heroes scoreless in three innings of work, but managed to maim a guy when he drilled him in the lower back, turning him into a crumpled piece of origami paper.  

Despite Alexander’s brilliant relief outing, all appeared lost for Wood. Even Grant Bledsoe who had a huge double earlier in the game couldn’t hide his frustration.  Out of pure disdain, he fouled a pitch right off of on-deck hitter Sean Bachelder’s ass. 

The fans cried out... Lets go Wood... Lets go Wood...
(actually I think it was a Lets go Giants chant, but who's counting?)

But then the ninth inning came.

Wood has lost many games before.

They will lose many games in the future.

The wrath of the opposition has been struck down upon thee and Wood has been defeated.

But not on this day.

This day Wood would not stand pat and accept defeat when faced with the eyes of agony.

Vengeance would supersede the fallen, and Wood would gnash its gnarly teeth, and strike down upon the Heroes.   

With one out, Brandon “Pain in the” Sides strolled to the plate. A few moments later he was on first base with a single.

Big Daddy Aubuchon followed him with a walk.

Steve McDevitt grounded into what could have been a game-ending double play, but the stone-cold 

Heroes defense finally botched a play. Bases loaded.

Will Tong then hit a grounder to the left side of the infield which resulted in complete infield debauchery. Two runs score. 3-2 Heroes.

When you find yourself in the arms of fellow
team members, you know the Wood is strong

On the play McDevitt managed to destroy his knee and was hauled off the field but that’s not important right now.

Cameron came up next and smashed a single. Game tied, 3-3. 

Next, Patrick “The Hero” Whelly strode to the plate.

Years from now when they visit the statue erected outside of Whelly Memorial Stadium fans will speak of the day when Whelly went from man to a God.

Whelly crushed a walk-off double into the gap and Wood comes out victorious. A hero is born.

God or Pat Whelly? You be the judge

A wondrous afternoon comes to a close as Wood refuses to accept the loss and overcomes adversity to come out victorious.

The 2-0 Wood face The Phitens next Sunday. Great seats are still available.

All that's missing from this D-bag is a "Kick Me' Sign on his back

  

Lana-Who?

... the wood season opener set against the backdrop of the lanahan departure...

Wood 11  Blue Claws 0

April 7th, 2012

San Bruno, Ca – The blue claw crab (Callinectes sapidus for you science freaks out there) is typically native to the Atlantic Ocean, seen as far north as Nova Scotia and as far south as Argentina. It has also been witnessed in the Gulf of Mexico, and even as far as Japan and Europe. Typically you wouldn’t see such an abundance of crabs unless you frequented The Green Door massage parlor on Bush street, but like Steve at his last keg party at Harvey’s Bar in the Castro, this crab has really gotten around. Predators of the claw include sharks, rays, large fish, turtles, large birds, and other sea creatures Jacques Cousteau more than likely had sexual relations with. Saturday, crustacean researchers added another predator to the list as the ubiquitous claws fell 11-0 in a shortened game to Wood Baseball Club . The game kicked off the 2012 campaign. 

On the field, there were no jet flybys, giant American flags in the outfield or William Hungs singing the National Anthem, but a wave of excitement flooded Wood players as they took their positions. 

He doesn't mean that well Jevon

Opening day is always a time for renew, rejuvenation and rebirth. The three R’s as they call them, or at least that’s what Joel Osteen’s buddy told me after he had me injected kool-aid into my right buttocks. Errors and misplays of past seasons are forgotten and only the road that lies ahead becomes the focus. On opening day life’s simple pleasures become monumental libations. 

Your meatloaf sandwich tastes just that much better. Your hairline seems to be advancing for a day instead of receding. It no longer burns when you pee for the first time since you unknowingly slept with that Russian transvestite while high on bath salts. And last but not least for one Wood player, the most stunning realization hit on opening day – MTV’s TRL is not really all that bad. "You know, he really means well,” Jevon Mattiassi responded with a twinkle in his eye, when asked how he felt about long-time host Carson Daly. 

One Wood player even rode the high of an upcoming opening day into a proposal. Congratulations to Grant Bledsoe who is now the largest-calved engaged man in the U.S. We are happy to permanently anoint Megan as a lifelong member of the Woodettes. It’s likely now that she has Grant locked up, she won’t waste her Saturdays watching a couple of tallywhacks play baseball, but should she still grace us with her presence we shall be very grateful. 

The game marked a couple of firsts for the team. It was Dave Aubuchon’s managerial debut filling in for the Fuhrer, Brandon “my rocky road ice cream is dripping down the“ Sides who was vacationing in the tourist heavy town of Modesto. It was also the first game without super Wood standout John Lanahan who took off for the warmer waters of the New York wood bat baseball league. Lanahan was recently in the news when a video of the departure announcement deep within the bunkers of the Wood clubhouse went viral. It was clear Sides had no idea of the pending move, and clearly showed his disdain when told.

Despite the drama leading up to the game, Wood proved they had no problem forging on without the star, and started off the season on the right track with Aubuchon at the helm.

2011 ended with the cooling of Wood bats, but the team was determined to discontinue that trend and got off to an early 3-0 start courtesy of a handful of walks, a few “piss-rockets,” and in particular a big RBI-single off the bat of Grant Bledsoe. When the dust settled at the end of the day almost every starter in Wood’s lineup ended with at least one hit. 

 Ryan Tovani had the largest one; a blast over the left-fielder’s head resulting in a double and a run scored. Will Tong added a couple hits and a walk, Jevon Mattiasi had a seeing-eye single, Pat Whelly added a single, and Frank had a classic Bauch poke in the hit parade. 

Steve McDevitt started on the mound and shut down Claw bats, scattering two hits while walking two and striking out four. His biggest accomplishment came in the fourth inning when he managed to throw a slider behind a right-handed batter. 

After the play Steve was signed to play the lead role
in the next Octopus action movie

While not quite as large as an accomplishment, in the third inning he showed his un-athleticism by going the other way across his body, diving, then stopping in mid air to catch a ball before landing with it in his glove. There were more arms and legs in the air than the prosthetic factory in The Fugitive.

Grant Bledsoe came in and pitched two perfect innings in relief, striking out four in the process in a brilliant return to the mound. Newcomer Chente Lopez closed the game out wearing only a pair of tennis shoes and a Wood jersey. He was not wearing any pants but still struck out three claws.

After the win, it marked yet another first for team Wood. A signed baseball from all twelve players in attendance was handed out to some fans actually willing to take it. The reality is they were all big Ryan Tovani fans. 

All around it was all about a perfectly executed gameplan, and Wood will hold their head high for the week.  Next week Wood will square up for a pair at Balboa Park against the Heroes. Great seats are still available. 

MVP: Rick  & Whelly for their sweet-ass bunt singles down the third base line.

LVP: Steve for leaving his glove at the game for at least the fifth time. Lucky for him Jevon picked it up for him... again 

Quote of the week:

“I’m going to hit more for average this season.” 

- Jevon Mattiassi after collecting a single hit