Two Woods, One Cup: The Clash of the Titans Game 1 - Titans 4, Wood 3 Game 2 - Wood 12, Titans 2

April 17th, 2011

San Leandro, Ca – In the fog of the East Bay and under close eerie watch from the ghost of Hans “Drive Me Hard,” Wagener, the Wood Baseball club split a pair of Naba games Sunday. A far-from-record crowd of two watched the debauchery at Stenzel Park.

The plight of Wagener’s ghost (also a Major Motion picture starring David Hasselhoff), wreaked havoc on Wood players in the first game, causing misplays in the field, swinging bunts at the plate (Naming no names, Jevon Mattiassi), and one player (to be named later) even transformed into a superhero on a steal attempt.

No one knows for sure all the accolades Wagener accumulated during his career, and despite scholars believing his true identity was lost in translation over the years, the award-winning staff here at “Throwing With Coach,” was able to track down one of the top sketch artists in the area to give us a glimpse into who this man, myth and legend truly was. Below is what artists have rendered with 13.3% accuracy as an exact depiction of what the great slugger may have looked like. (Scroll down to see)

"Drive Me Hard" Wagener circa 1971.

*Addendum (Since this article was written, the staff has gone out and hired new sketch artists, both of whom don’t date hairy old men, apologies to the woman and children reading this)

1^st game

Titans 4, Wood 3

Wagener's golden jersey hanging on the center field wall reminded us all that no matter how much pine tar we lubed up our bats with, how many bottles of lotion Matt Moyer went through before his travels to Spain to see his girlfriend, or how many cat tranquilizers Rick injected himself with before game time, no one was impervious to the wrath of Wagener.

Wood manager, Brandon “The jury will now deliberate after hearing both” Sides, was no exception, performing a Chris Angel-esk performance Sunday morning.

After a routine fly ball off the bat of Jevon Mattiassi was caught a “Mind-freaked,” Sides shouted at his good buddy.

“Jevon, what are you doing?! Run!”

“Dude I’m out,” a shocked Mattiassi shot back.

“Right of course you are,” Sides maliciously snickered, as if Mattiassi had just exposed to the crowd that the rabbit was in his hat the entire time.

It didn’t stop there.

“Now folks, for my next trick I will collide with our second baseman while juggling a baseball, a glove and my jock strap. Adam, once I get my jock in the air, toss me that pine tar; I’ll catch it in my mouth - dude just trust me.”

After seeing Sides (pictured above) shirtless and donning seventeen cross necklaces Jevon agreed to not only continue to second, but went to third, home and high tailed it out to the parking lot and out onto the open road in fear of the coach's wrath

Wood hurler John “Cry Baby” Lanahan took the rubber (mound, not condom) in game one, and immediately got off to a tumultuous start, walking so many batters, the Titan baseball club raised over $3,000 for the Hans Wagener celebrity walk-a-thon. Congratulations John, you are officially a silver contributor! When the dust settled in the first, two runs had crossed the plate and Lanahan was given a timeout because of his noticeable tantrum (pictured), which the umpire did not take kindly to.

Unfortunately Wood bats went frigid, as Titan pitcher Slug “Halladay” Slumpernickle got the best of Wood hitters, limiting the team to just three runs, on just about as many hits, however Wood batters did manage several foul tips.

Luckily Lanahan settled in and dominated Titan bats for the remainder of his pitching duel, despite the umpire squeezing him more than my first hands on strip club experience. (For what its worth it was in the back alley of a sizzler in New Haven, Connecticut, but that’s neither here nor there). Unfortunately the first inning walk-fest and two runs the Titans added in the fifth inning, was all they would need. On a positive note, Patrick Whelly had two hits and Steve McDevitt struck out four of six batters he faced in relief in the losing effort.

Umpire Frank Sluzzydoodle doing his best Macarena to honor Wagener (retired uni pictured on fence)

MVP: Brandon Sides

His head first superman-esk dive into second base on a stolen base attempt had super heroes all over the world shuddering in their lairs. Kids at home – this won’t win you any spelling bees, but for what its worth, Superman is spelled S-I-D-E-S.

Brandon sliding head first into second base

The staff here was able to track down Clark Kent shortly after the game. “I don’t like you Sides, I don’t like you one bit, but god damn it, I respect you.”

LVP: Brandon Sides

His fifth inning collision in right field and attempted maiming of second baseman Adam Fong led to two Titan runs.

2^nd Game

Wood 12, Titans 2

The nightcap found the tables turned as Wood bats came alive striking for twelve runs on double digit hits. McDevitt started the second game, going four innings to pick up the win. In the process he also did his best Superman impression, attempting to run down a player stuck between third and home in the first inning. Unfortunately he failed, where Sides had succeeded, and ended up looking more like an octopus on land, than any Stan Lee creation attempting to tag out the runner. The play would lead to a run. He also managed to balk twice to the same batter, sending a guy from first to third without throwing an actual pitch, another Wood first.

John Lanahan, Dave Aubuchon, Ryan Tovani, Patrick Whelly and Grant Bledsoe all had a Noah’s Ark-esk two hits apiece in the win.

Sides came in and threw three stellar innings in relief, striking out three in the process. The game was called in the 7^th inning due to a 10-run rule.

MVP: Patrick Whelly

“The Franchise,” proved his worth once again, leading the charge at the plate and the basepaths, scoring two runs and driving in one.

LVP: Patrick Whelly

After a spectacular infield catch by third baseman, Dave Aubuchon, Whelly, instead of cordially applauding Dave for his great play, threw the baseball at him, striking the unsuspecting Dave on the back of the neck, leaving a silver dollar size welt. To onlookers it appeared the Pat was simply completing the infield throws, but if the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew were on the cas... wait a second I used that one already...

Inside Dave's head after the catch:

“wow I am so good, that was such a great catch, I’m so proud of myse-

Clunk

“What the heck…”

Wood takes a week off to have some drinks and make some bad decisions with the Easter bunny but square off the following Sunday against playoff rival the Diablos. Great seats are still available.

Got wood?

Morning Wood: Wood 10 Black Sox 2

April 10th, 2011

San Leandro, Ca - What does a Justin Bieber dance move, a horse being sodomized, and a little hitter from the south side of Jacksonville all have in common? All played a role in Wood’s de-socking of the Black Sox for their second win of the 2011 campaign.

Despite a season high thirteen walks allowed by Wood hurlers, several statements about opposing players’ clenched assholes, and a lack of a Woodette contingency, Wood was able to remain calm, composed, and flaccid and came out on the winning end of a 10-2 final Sunday morning.

John Lanahan contributed the biggest wood (that’s what she said) at the plate with two key singles, Matt Moyer played stellar defense, and Jevon Mattiassi had a big 2-run single to donate to the winning cause.

Despite her claim that she watched the entire game, lone Woodette Megan, most likely wandered off to a nearby Nordstrom just after first pitch. Megan, we appreciate your dedication, but if we employed the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew to investigate, I’m pretty sure they’d solve the case fairly quickly, somewhere between Women’s Shoes and Brass Plum with enough time left to enjoy a couple Martini’s and to make some bad decisions together.

"Just the tip Nancy?"

Wood starter, Brandon “Trim the top, but a 2 on the” Sides (0-0) tossed a no-hitter through three innings of work, but walked five, hit two batsmen, and maimed a family of squirrels in the process. When the smoke and carnage subsided, the women and children had found safety, and Brandon pulled himself from the game, just one unearned run had crossed the plate, thus putting Wood in a great position when reliever Ely “Salamander” Alexander came in. He too put a small village on the base paths, but ultimately slithered his way out of multiple jams, jellies, and marmalades to throw an absolute relief gem to help lead to the winning cause.

Things started just as ominously on the other side, as Black Sox starter Chips Skuzzywaggle no-hit Wood through five innings, but handed out more free passes than Dave promoting outside Castro’s hot new club, “Does Your Mother Know?” (In all honesty Matt Moyer was robbed of a hit in the second inning, but Wood official scorekeeper felt that lining a shot off Sox third basemen, nearly sending him into cardiac arrest didn’t warrant a hit. Sorry Matt, apparently a 911 call is required to qualify for a hit in this league). Unfortunately Wood couldn’t capitalize on the walks and managed just two runs through six.

Knotted at two apiece in the seventh, the game appeared headed for an exciting finish, but Lanahan and his prodigious bat lined a single into right field, starting the charge that would lead to two Wood runs. The following inning, Wood bats rose from the ashes, with the biggest hit coming from Mattiassi who singled in two runs, which opened the game up and added two RBI’s to Jevon’s bag o’ tricks.

Alexander (1-0) picked up the relief win, his first of the season, and Steve McDevitt (0-0) closed things out with two scoreless innings.

The play of the game came when Sides (pictured below) dodged a Grant Bledsoe scorcher in the third base coach’s box. The liner which surprised all Wood players was no match for Brandon and as practiced several times naked in front of his bedroom mirror, he did the classic Sides back bend, ole, Macarena move to narrowly avoid the liner.

Overall, a great win against a formidable opponent.

Brandon just before narrowly escaping the liner

MVP: Jevon Mattiassi – had a big hit as well as played exceptionally behind the dish, throwing out two Sox base runners and even took a couple shots off the facemask due to errant Wood pitches.

LVP: Jevon Mattiassi – A drunken game of telephone during the post game drinking at Mad Dog in the Fog, initially revealed the slugger may have had relations with a young mare, but after further review it turned out he just had sex in a house, and not with a horse as originally, and mistakenly heard.

Wood squares off next week against division foe The Titans in a matinee double header in San Leandro. Great seats are still available. Post game beers at “Does your mother know,” not included.

You can read all Wood Blog Recaps at: http://woodbaseball.blogspot.com/

The Return of Wood : Wood 11, Blue Claws 7

Balboa Park: San Franciso, Ca - Opening day brings hope for a new season, a chance for redemption and opportunity to forget about the past. "This year will be different," Dave told a passed out drunk at Stud Bar in Soma the night before the opening pitch. "We're going all the way," Dave argued as the drunkard slid off his bar stool and onto the floor. Dave was so outraged that the inebriated slouch didn't believe him, that he vowed to play each game going forward on his knees. (pictured) Rick Roitinger also agreed to go along in the plight as long as Dave would in turn port his cell number from AT&T to Boost Mobile following the game.

The field at Balboa Park wasn't groomed to perfection. There were no opening day fireworks exploding in an array of reds, blues, pinks, and greens. The Blue Angels didn't jet across sky breaking the sound barrier. Celebrity guests donning a cane didn't come to toss out the ceremonial first pitch. But when John Lanahan threw the first pitch to Blue Claw's leadoff hitter Saturday, a blissful battalion of goosebumps crept down the necks of every Wood Baseball Club faithful in attendance; well one at least. A homeless guy who passed/blacked out from the night before just happened to be awaking at the same moment in right field. Before he could realize what was happening, it was deemed he was a Wood fan. Nonetheless Wood Baseball was back.

Wood had first strike jumping out to an early 1st inninglead in what may go down as one of the worst blunders in Sfnaba history. With newcomer Matt Moyer on third, Lanahan hit a routine grounder to third (he would later try to coerce/threaten the scorekeeper for a hit... John is that you who keeps calling my house and hanging up?). Moyer took off for the plate, not because he normally can beat out a hard hit grounder, but because he stayed at a Holiday in the night before and was feeling sprier than normal. To his dismay, and no shock to the fans, players umpires, and any human within 100 yards of the field, he was easily caught in a run down. At the same time Pat Whelly had no choice but to round second and take third on the play, putting two players at third base. Instead of running Moyer back to third, tagging both players and being granted one out, the catcher felt it would be a good time to show off his throwing arm, and chucked the ball over third base and into left field, thus allowing both runners to score. (Damn that Abner Doubleday and his rules).

Lanahan started on the mound and looked to be in mid-season form, tossing four shutout innings before giving way to the bullpen. Steve McDevitt came in and pitched a perfect 5th, and got off to a good start in the 6th inning before the wheels came off, and he was left begging for Mommy as three runs crossed the plate. A handful of fly balls made for inauspicious goings for Wood outfielders as they tried to maneuver through the outfield grass which was long enough for a tiger to hide in.

Luckily the offense picked up the slack of the pitching with Wood finding the right holes (that's what she said). Matt Moyer had three hits in his Wood debut, Patrick Whelly went 2-2 with 2 doubles, and Will Tong,Dave Aubuchon, Roitinger, and Lanahan all contributed to the hit parade, but the biggest play came when Jevon Mattassi stole home on the pitch in the 8th. On the next toss home Roitinger did the best faking performance since Jenna Jameson in "Jenna's Playhouse 4,"as he too appeared to be streaking for the plate.

Once the stressed catcher saw this display, he darted out in front of the plate with a bottle of Jergen's hand lotion and Kleenex ready for Jenna's big climax. To his chagrin, he put himself in the best possible position for a concussion at the hands of Ryan Tovani, and also was credited with the first balk in the history of baseball caused by a catcher, thus allowing Roitinger a free pass home.

All in all in was a great first game for Wood. Instead of falling asleep after an early lead, energy remained high and at the end of the day were on the good side of a W.

Some Key Stats:

# of K's by Brandon Sides in his 1 inning of work: 6

#baseballs lost inside the confines of the police station: 42

# of peyote hits, glue inhalations, and beers consumed by Wood fans: 17

# of times Alisa got bored during the game and wandered down to the bench in an "I'm not touching you," with a finger a centimeter from your arm way heckled Wood players: 9

Wood squares off against the tough Black Sox next Sunday. Great seats are still available.

Wood is Good.

2011 Wood Baseball Club Preview

Welcome to the season, and welcome to the first Wood Baseball Club Blog. This blog will be for game recaps, statistics, and all types of Wood Tomfoolery. Basically it will contain no information of any value or intelligence. With that said, I give you the first entry...

Looking to build on rising success in 2010, Wood Baseball Club will strap on their cleats, pine tar their bats, and shave their bikini lines for another glorious season starting Saturday. Despite being knocked out in the quarter finals of last year’s Naba playoffs, Wood hit all time highs in wins, runs, and strikeouts of opposing hitters with called third strikes over a batter’s head (1). Last season Wood made the post-season for the first time in team history and iced the cake with the first playoff win as well. Despite the unfamiliar territory in 2010, expectations for Wood are high in 2011 and I’m not just talking about Dave’s bedroom, which has seen a busy off-season.

Bolstered by a deep pitching staff, strong defense, and a contingency of dedicated fans (pictured here just before an inebriating blackout), Wood expects nothing short of a 2^nd consecutive playoff appearance and Jacque Cousteau-esk plunge

deep into the depths of the Naba playoffs.

Recently I was able to track down Wood manager Brandon Sides coming out of a club (pictured below) with three chicks dressed as bumble bees hanging on him. “Wooooooooooooooooooooood,” was all he yelled right before he vomited on one of the bees, when asked about his team’s chances this season. Shortly afterwards he was seen wearing only a pair of woman’s undergarments writing, “Wood Is Good,” on several Girls’ breasts outside of Ruby Skye Nightclub.

2010 Record 12-8 (4^th in Ocean Division)

Playoffs:

Beat Diablos 1^st round

Lost to Isotopes Quarter Finals

Key Additions:

99 times out of 100 when another man approaches you in the gym locker room with a towel draped over his shoulder and only a sock over his privates, you are about to get sodomized, but in Dan Deane’s case, he was subjected to just a little taste of Wood recruiting. Propositioned, at a nearby gym, outfielder extraordinaire Dan Deane is the man, I mean outfielder, Coach Sides has always dreamed of. Deane will play his in his first career game Saturday, and most importantly bring a hot girlfriend to join The Woodettes; Wood’s world renown cheering fan base.

His debut will be shared with infield phenom Matt Moyer who will also play his first game this weekend. Matt’s spectacular fielding at shortstop and strong bat are dazzling, but there really is only one question everyone is wondering. Who will be the first Wood player to break his glove hand catching a Moyer laser throw this season?

Wood’s 2011 Roster:

Jevon “Mad Dog” Matassi

Ryan “The Prophet” Tovani

John “The Irish Babe Ruth” Lanahan

Adam “Wood Is Long” Fong

Frank “Bulldog” Bauch

Brandon “The Swedish Game Hen Comes with Two” Sides

Matt “Mustard” Moyer

Patrick “The Franchise” Whelly

Rick “Shake Weight” Roitinger

Dave “Winning” Aubuchon

Dan “Never Going to 24 hour Fitness again” Deane

Will “Cool Papa” Tong

Steve “Coolest player on Wood” McDevitt (F it, when you create a blog, you can do whatever you want too)

Ely “The Oracle” Alexander

Grant “Don’t Call me Drew” Bledsoe

The 2011 season kicks off at noon on Saturday at Balboa Park. Bring your wives, girlfriends, gay lo

vers, dogs, cats, wildebeests and friends.

Signing off…

Wood is Good.

Check back for game recaps, stats and all types of Wood propaganda during the season. If you haven’t already done so, subscribe for updates to be e-mailed directly to you. (If you prefer messenger pigeon, pony express or smoke signals, let me know as well, and I’ll provide a separate link).