San Leandro, Ca – In the fog of the East Bay and under close eerie watch from the ghost of Hans “Drive Me Hard,” Wagener, the Wood Baseball club split a pair of Naba games Sunday. A far-from-record crowd of two watched the debauchery at Stenzel Park.
The plight of Wagener’s ghost (also a Major Motion picture starring David Hasselhoff), wreaked havoc on Wood players in the first game, causing misplays in the field, swinging bunts at the plate (Naming no names, Jevon Mattiassi), and one player (to be named later) even transformed into a superhero on a steal attempt.
No one knows for sure all the accolades Wagener accumulated during his career, and despite scholars believing his true identity was lost in translation over the years, the award-winning staff here at “Throwing With Coach,” was able to track down one of the top sketch artists in the area to give us a glimpse into who this man, myth and legend truly was. Below is what artists have rendered with 13.3% accuracy as an exact depiction of what the great slugger may have looked like. (Scroll down to see)
"Drive Me Hard" Wagener circa 1971.
*Addendum (Since this article was written, the staff has gone out and hired new sketch artists, both of whom don’t date hairy old men, apologies to the woman and children reading this)
1st game
Titans 4, Wood 3
Wagener's golden jersey hanging on the center field wall reminded us all that no matter how much pine tar we lubed up our bats with, how many bottles of lotion Matt Moyer went through before his travels to Spain to see his girlfriend, or how many cat tranquilizers Rick injected himself with before game time, no one was impervious to the wrath of Wagener.
Wood manager, Brandon “The jury will now deliberate after hearing both” Sides, was no exception, performing a Chris Angel-esk performance Sunday morning.
After a routine fly ball off the bat of Jevon Mattiassi was caught a “Mind-freaked,” Sides shouted at his good buddy.
“Jevon, what are you doing?! Run!”
“Dude I’m out,” a shocked Mattiassi shot back.
“Right of course you are,” Sides maliciously snickered, as if Mattiassi had just exposed to the crowd that the rabbit was in his hat the entire time.
It didn’t stop there.
“Now folks, for my next trick I will collide with our second baseman while juggling a baseball, a glove and my jock strap. Adam, once I get my jock in the air, toss me that pine tar; I’ll catch it in my mouth - dude just trust me.”
Wood hurler John “Cry Baby” Lanahan took the rubber (mound, not condom) in game one, and immediately got off to a tumultuous start, walking so many batters, the Titan baseball club raised over $3,000 for the Hans Wagener celebrity walk-a-thon. Congratulations John, you are officially a silver contributor! When the dust settled in the first, two runs had crossed the plate and Lanahan was given a timeout because of his noticeable tantrum (pictured), which the umpire did not take kindly to.
Unfortunately Wood bats went frigid, as Titan pitcher Slug “Halladay” Slumpernickle got the best of Wood hitters, limiting the team to just three runs, on just about as many hits, however Wood batters did manage several foul tips.
Luckily Lanahan settled in and dominated Titan bats for the remainder of his pitching duel, despite the umpire squeezing him more than my first hands on strip club experience. (For what its worth it was in the back alley of a sizzler in New Haven, Connecticut, but that’s neither here nor there). Unfortunately the first inning walk-fest and two runs the Titans added in the fifth inning, was all they would need. On a positive note, Patrick Whelly had two hits and Steve McDevitt struck out four of six batters he faced in relief in the losing effort.
Umpire Frank Sluzzydoodle doing his best Macarena to honor Wagener (retired uni pictured on fence)
MVP: Brandon Sides
His head first superman-esk dive into second base on a stolen base attempt had super heroes all over the world shuddering in their lairs. Kids at home – this won’t win you any spelling bees, but for what its worth, Superman is spelled S-I-D-E-S.
Brandon sliding head first into second base
The staff here was able to track down Clark Kent shortly after the game. “I don’t like you Sides, I don’t like you one bit, but god damn it, I respect you.”
LVP: Brandon Sides
His fifth inning collision in right field and attempted maiming of second baseman Adam Fong led to two Titan runs.
2nd Game
Wood 12, Titans 2
The nightcap found the tables turned as Wood bats came alive striking for twelve runs on double digit hits. McDevitt started the second game, going four innings to pick up the win. In the process he also did his best Superman impression, attempting to run down a player stuck between third and home in the first inning. Unfortunately he failed, where Sides had succeeded, and ended up looking more like an octopus on land, than any Stan Lee creation attempting to tag out the runner. The play would lead to a run. He also managed to balk twice to the same batter, sending a guy from first to third without throwing an actual pitch, another Wood first.
John Lanahan, Dave Aubuchon, Ryan Tovani, Patrick Whelly and Grant Bledsoe all had a Noah’s Ark-esk two hits apiece in the win.
Sides came in and threw three stellar innings in relief, striking out three in the process. The game was called in the 7th inning due to a 10-run rule.
MVP: Patrick Whelly
“The Franchise,” proved his worth once again, leading the charge at the plate and the basepaths, scoring two runs and driving in one.
LVP: Patrick Whelly
After a spectacular infield catch by third baseman, Dave Aubuchon, Whelly, instead of cordially applauding Dave for his great play, threw the baseball at him, striking the unsuspecting Dave on the back of the neck, leaving a silver dollar size welt. To onlookers it appeared the Pat was simply completing the infield throws, but if the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew were on the cas... wait a second I used that one already...
Inside Dave's head after the catch:
“wow I am so good, that was such a great catch, I’m so proud of myse-
Clunk
“What the heck…”
Wood takes a week off to have some drinks and make some bad decisions with the Easter bunny but square off the following Sunday against playoff rival the Diablos. Great seats are still available.
Got wood?
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