Throwing With Coach emerges from the depths of obscurity as Wood clash the Titans
June 23rd, 2012
Game 1: Wood 10 Titans 4
Game 2: Wood 7 Titans 1
“Even if my
dick was a foot long I couldn’t hit that ball on the outside corner, oh wait it
is that big. Ok fair call blue…”
-Brandon
Sides after striking out looking on an outside fastball
 |
| This Blog is brought to you by |
“Eli you deep
dicking son of a bitch…”
-Jevon
Mattiassi after watching a porno featuring his favorite porn star Eli “Most
Interesting Man on the Wood” Alexander
“I don’t
normally watch guy on guy porn, but when I do, I watch Eli…”
-Jevon
Mattiassi
Today’s world
of technology allows one to constantly be connected to the world. Tweets,
status updates, email subscriptions, young, news-reporting boys showing up at
your doorstep serenading you with the day’s events, and late, late, late night emails
that need an interpreter who can decipher inebriated binary code keep you
abreast on the musings of the world. Sometimes you wish you could just
disconnect and crawl into the fetal position on your sofa, but then you
remember that your roommate is a guy named Jerry Sandusky.
 |
| After many attempts Geronimo's friends finally convinced him he was missing the O-O-D so no one was getting Wood updates after all |
This is not
one of those times.
You’ve been
waiting for some sort of update.
A word.
A sign.
Maybe a smoke signal?
Slight scars are
visible on your person where the withdrawal hives once invaded your skin like
Grant’s calves invading a BOGO sale on soccer socks in the freeze of winter.
You’re left
only to ponder - what in God’s name happened to the Wood Blog?
What happened
to Wood?
Is the team
still in existence?
Did the
blogger fly the coop to begin a career as the bearded lady in the Stockton
circus? Did he sustain a writing injury? Perhaps his quill snapped in half with
one end falling innocuously to the floor and the other end torpedoing right into
his jugular causing him to perish on impact?
 |
| Much to Sides' chagrin, he recalls thinking after the fateful drunken night... oh boy...that's a man, man! |
What the
frig’ is going on?
Let me bring
you up to speed…
I’ll start at
the beginning:
First there
was a large bang. (No, not the large bang weighing 220 pounds and donning a handlebar mustache that Brandon “I’ll wear my
fireproof onesy when I travel to Colorado now to stay on the safe” Sides took
down at the 2009 Naba convention), but one where the planets aligned. Then
dinosaurs ruled the Earth. Then the Earth cooled and they all died. Then George
Michael started waiting for truckers at roadway rest stops…ok let’s fast
forward to 2012 Wood season and look into hiring a new Wood blogger (possibly
the one who doesn’t date men)…
For avid Wood
readers, you probably already know the season started with three straight wins,
when Wood went lobster diving and de-clawed the Blue Claws, unloaded a vat of
kryptonite on the Heroes, and tied up Phitan bats with those electromagnetic
necklace thingys. What you probably don’t know, is they then got swept away by
the Tsunami, sock puppeted the Black Sox, holed the Aces, slipped past the Sea
Lions, vaccinated the Mad Dogs, were bent over by the Cocks, then finally
adiosed the Dons, not once, but twice. If you are like most and have no idea
what this means, let me sum it up for you.
Wood
Baseball=Awesome
Wood entered
Saturday’s double-header against division foe, the Titans cockily sporting a
9-2 record; good enough for first place in the Bay East division.
The sun was
out, the grass was green, and the homeless contingency of fans had yet to awake
from their late night libations of the PCP variety, so the morning game kicked
off with just a small handful of misfits, cut-throats, gay lovers, thugs, and
Cameron’s girlfriend and Mom. After a brilliant pitching performance by Chente,
Wood found themselves on the right side of the scoreboard, winning 10-4.
By the time
game two rolled around, the female fans were getting restless. After watching
repeated previews of the male stripper movie “Magic Sean,” they were ready to
see a performance, and it had been rumored that he was going to be game two’s
hurler. A few of the female fans had even started ringing out their undergarments
in anticipation of the sexy rookie.
In the solar
system, Titan is known as Saturn’s largest moon, but on this day, Wood
fire-thrower Sean Bachelder reduced
the Titan’s baseball club to a speck of cosmic dust. He cruised through six
innings of work allowing just one run. Six female onlookers sustained broken
fingers due to the excitement of Bachelder’s plight. Wood third-baseman Dave
Aubuchon simply tripled to show admiration. Reports later surfaced that
Aubuchon was seen frolicking in the park wearing only a game-worn Bachelder
jersey to cover himself, but that could neither be denied...nor denied.
 |
| Jevon (above) sporting his souvenir sliding pants from Roitinger School for Boys and Base Runners narrowly made it back safely |
Wood stockpiled a plethora of runs courtesy of key hits and
smart base running despite Wood players “walking on eggshells.” With the ghost
of Wood past, Steve McDevitt in attendance, Wood players were reminded of what
a pussy he is, and how delicate they should be on the base paths. Jevon
Mattiassi, fresh off his graduation from the Rick School of base-running staved
off a pickoff attempt when a game of pickle went awry for Titan defenders.
Once Bachelder ran out of steam, it was up to the bullpen to
bring home victory. And who would be just the man for the job?
Cows voluntarily slaughter themselves in hopes of becoming
his glove.
His bats get blisters after he takes batting practice.
When he plays third,
there are no bad hops.
When he throws a pitch, the umpire asks HIM if it is a ball
or a strike.
When he drills a batter with a pitch, the batter is called
out for getting in the way of his ball’s trajectory.
When he is pitching he can take as long as he wants in
between pitches…and he does.
When he is warm enough to go into the game, he still says he’s
not ready, but when he does go in he dominates.
There is a Naba award named after him that he’s never won.
There is no crying in
baseball, unless he does.
When he makes a basket catch, he literally uses a basket.
His batting average always goes up even when he gets out.
When he blows a save, it is always blamed on the previous
pitcher.
His bats pine tar themselves.
He is the Most Interesting Man on the Wood
He is Ely
Alexander.
And as usual,
Alexander came in from the bullpen and mowed down hitters…literally.
At the end of
the day Wood came out on top, 7-1 and improved their season record to 11-2.
Next week
they’ll square off versus the Monsters (2-11) at Moscone. Great seats are still
available (as long as you come with your own dime bag of PCP)
