Hot Stove Off-Season Report: Wood Baseball

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Hot Stove Report: Wood Baseball Club

Tim Kurkjian, ESPN Sports 

San Francisco, Ca- The off-season is always a time of uncertainty as team officials attempt to take their organization in the proper direction. For Brandon “I like to season my steak on both” Sides, General Manager, Coach, and Team President, this winter break has been exceptionally difficult.

Expectations ran high for the club in 2011 after its first playoff berth the prior season, and after starting off the year 3-1, things appeared to be headed in the right direction. Then Wood lost 10 of the final 16 games to limp into the playoffs only to fall to The Diablos in the opening round.

 A usually jovial Sides took didn’t take the loss or season well. Shortly after the last out was made against the devils in red, Sides’ lifestyle became reckless. Onlookers witnessed him frequenting many San Francisco voyeur establishments (pictured right), as well as partaking in risky behavior such as unsafe Tebowing (pictured below), sniffing foul line chalk, and calling his credit card company without an interpreter who speaks Hindi.

Sides had hit bottom, literally

Just when things couldn't get any worse for Sides, he got the phone call he had always dreaded.

Star player John Lanahan called to announce his resignation from the team. 

That night Sides slept with Bertha for the first time (pictured right). It wouldn't be the last. 

Friends and family could only stand by and watch as an unruly Sides spiraled out of control.

When the staff at Throwing With Coach were finally able to catch up with the troubled GM, he was catching a few z’s after a few too many inside a men’s room at Does Your Mother Know bar in the Castro. (pictured left)

“W-o-o-o-o-o-d…” was all that could be heard gurgling out of his mouth in the urinal water.

The interview in its entirety is transcribed below:

Throwing With Coach: How do you plan to run the team without your big bat in Lahanhan?

Sides: Like a blind man at an orgy, I’m just going to have to feel my way around now that he’s gone.

WOOOOOOOOD!

Throwing With Coach: That’s quite a challenging task.

Sides: The Wood Lays in my hands.

Throwing With Coach: Right, and about that, if you don’t mind putting on some pants  for the rest of the interview that would be appreciated. Thanks.

Sides: (looking down) Oh…Yeah sorry about that.

Throwing With Coach: And that does bring me to my next question. Some have said that your team was named after an erect male body part? Do you care to comment?

Sides: WOOOOOOOODDDD! 

Throwing With Coach: Well what are you doing to replace him? Have you scoured the waiver wires, contacted other teams for possible deals, or recruited at nearby colleges? Players like Lanahan don’t just grow on trees, despite your team being named after a Redwood tree. Get it? See what I just did there? (chuckling) I’m fairly certain you aren’t going to find many players hanging out at Moby Dick bar in the Castro.

Sides: Does your mother know.

Throwing With Coach: Let’s leave my Mother out of this

Sides: No silly, that’s the name of the - 

It was at that point, the drinks Sides (pictured middle) and his entourage ordered arrived, and they wasted no time in throwing them back. The interview had come to an abrupt close.

Many questions were left unanswered as our staff was ushered out of the bar.

Who would play third base now that Lanahan had departed?

Would Dan Deane, buck hunter extraordinaire return?

Would phenom Mike Moyer join the team at mid-season like the season prior?

Did Jevon get a chance to watch Twilight 3 in 3-D in the off-season? 

All these questions would have to wait.

Wood kicks off the 2012 campaign March 31^st.

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Happy Holidays & New Year from Wood Baseball