Wood Ravages Pirates

June 15^th, 2013

WOOD 13

Pirates 2

WOOD 18

Pirates 4

On an afternoon highlighted by swirling 40mph winds, shut down pitching, and an offensive smorgasbord, WOOD dry humped its way into a pair of mercy rule wins Saturday.  The valiant Pirates managed to hang with WOOD for the first half of game one, but the veteran teams' depth, experience, and talent eventually won out.  

Dad-to-be Steve McDevitt got the start for WOOD in game one.  Steve's presence alone was a pleasant surprise for the squad, as his wife's water was ready to break at any minute.  McDevitt, armed with his normal arsenal of changeups and ephus pitches, then hung his cell phone from the dugout fence and set the volume to "earth shattering".  While maintaining a supreme level of alertness should the phone ring while he pitched, Steve  cruised through six innings of two run baseball.  Grant Bledsoe closed out the mercy rule game one, throwing a scoreless seventh and striking out the side.  

Offensive stars for WOOD in game one included Kevin "when I get really upset, I scream into my glove and go on a ram"Page.  Page ended up 4-5, shooting his season batting average up to .372 in the process.  Cam Weissensee added a handful of hits, as did Ryan Tovani, Rick Roitenger, Grant Bledsoe, and fan favorite Jevon Mattiassi.

The afternoon not only brought hours of scintillating WOOD baseball, but also tied a family together from the far reaches of the bay area.  In the first inning of the game one, WOOD all-star Ryan Tovani read the opposing lineup card....initially confusing it for his own team's.  

Distant cousins get reacquainted....for the first time

"Hey!   Why the F@#& am I hitting 8th?  I went 4-4 last game!"  Tovani ranted.  "Oh wait this is the Pirates' card.  They have a Tovani too.....and he's a catcher just like me!  This motherf&%$er's goin' down!"

The Tovani family competitive juices flowed like a thick sicilian red sauce.  It was on.  WOOD's Tovani responded by having a monster day both at the plate and in the field, including his first career NABA home run in game two.  

 Game two brought another onslaught of WOOD offense beyond Tovani's contributions, as well as a quality start from Kevin Page.  Page ended up exiting after four smooth innings, yielding to ace Chente Lopez (and heckling him along the way).  Grant Bledsoe finished 3-3 with 3 doubles and 4 RBIs, and Matt Moyer shook off the mid-game Cheerios to collect several hits (and begged his way into 2 RBIs).

Nearly every WOOD starter added hits in game two, including Rick Roitenger, Jevon Mattiassi, Will the Tong, and Cam Weissenssee.  While star center fielder Alex Weber-Shapiro went hitless in the contest, he smoked no less than five balls directly at the second baseman. 

By the day's end, WOOD ended up chalking two in the wins column and improving to 9-5 on the year.  WOOD's next game will be this Saturday against playoff rival Tsunami.  Great seats still available.

WOOD Burned By Blazers

 

June 7^th, 2013

Blazers 2

WOOD 0

The Manitees were a sensation in 1999, but have
struggled lately to find the balance between size
and athleticism.

In sports, there are seasons where a team gets lucky and catches lightning in a bottle.  Any team can experience spurts of great success from time to time.  The 2006 Chicago White Sox come to mind, as do the 2001 Seattle Mariners. The 2004 Tampa Bay Lightning are another, along with the 1999 Manitees from the Scranton Amateur Roller Derby League.

Then there are dynasties.  Teams with consistent and long lasting success: the Yankees of the mid 90s / early 2000s, the Oakland A’s in the 70s, and the Chicago Bulls when Jordan was around.

While WOOD’s success over the last several years might not be called a dynasty quite yet, the seeds have been planted for long lasting dominance…..and much of it is thanks to Frank Bauch’s recruiting efforts.  Bauch, the Johnny Appleseed of SF NABA, has managed to sign numerous current WOOD stars.  Many of whom have brought along their friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, and lovers to play ball for the club.  Bauch signed up fan favorite Pat Whelly and both Moyer brothers.  The Moyers then brought in Alex Webber-Shapiro, Chente Lopez, and Zach Mandelblatt.  All make up a major core of WOOD baseball.

Frank’s efforts have been a boon to WOOD, and in the process made him a folk hero among the fan base.  Unfortunately, Frank has been so successful that he’s generated some jealousy among his teammates in the scouting department.  WOOD’s silver bullet pitcher, and resident poet Steve McDevitt was seen fuming after Frank’s last star signing of Zach Mandelblatt. 

“That damned Bauch got another one!  I’ll get him somehow…..even if I have to wear the Mattiassi masturbation sleeve while doing it!”  McDevitt fumed.  We’re still unsure how wearing the Mattiassi sleeve spites Frank, but must assume that Steve’s rage somehow clouded his judgment.  

The classic Mattiassi Masturbation
Sleeve - signature edition.

McDevitt then conjured up a plan so diabolical, even the ex-SF NABA team Diablos would balk.  “That’s it!  I’ll have sons! One to replace every player Bauch has ever signed!!”  At that point Steve set out on a mission….a long term mission….to bear a son to replace each and every Bauch signing. 

Steve is off this week pursuing this long (and logically questionable) dream – Woodette Alisa is due with a boy any second.  WOOD wishes the McDevitts a healthy and happy baby, and speedy return so the world doesn’t have to read this guest blogger’s dribble.

 

Now to the ballgame.   

WOOD dropped a frustrating contest 2-0 to the Blazers on Friday night under the lights at Albert Park.  Kevin “why is it so sticky on these magazine” Page(s) got the start, and fought valiantly through five innings of two run baseball.  It’s an understatement to call Page a warrior on the mound.  At one point in the contest Page found himself in a self-inflicted jam. He then let out a battle cry so loud that even Rocky the annoying team pet stopped barking…..for about ten seconds.  Page managed to work his way out of the jam with the help of his drunken entourage, and ended up holding the Blazers to only two runs.

WOOD bats on the other hand went quiet on Friday night.  Blazers pitching managed to hold WOODs offense to only a handful of hits, and induced no less than four double play balls. 

On the positive side, WOOD fans were happy to see both Adam Fong and Cam Weissenwhatza back in uniform.  Both were warmly welcomed back to the WOOD dugout, although Adam was quickly sidelined with an undisclosed illness (full disclosure: Adam lost a fight with the dollar menu at Taco Bell). 

Other positives were Grant Bledsoe's relief pitching, throwing four scoreless innings after Page exited.  WOOD also had the support of a drunken hobo who wandered in from the street.  While the paparazzi initially assumed the die-hard was Rick Roitenger’s personal strength training coach, Rick quickly dispatched the idea and insisted his body was “all natural baby”.  Judging from the chest hairs pouring through his uniform, this must be true.

Thanks go to all the WOOD faithful who endured hours in the bleacher seats, especially Alex Webber-Shapiro’s Mom for bringing watermelon slices.   And Kevin’s friend for bringing consolation beers.  Much appreciated.

WOOD straps it on (I mean up) again this Saturday for a double dip versus the Pirates at Hillsdale High School.  Great seats still available.

Bend it Like Bledsoe

Wood Defense Dazzles in Victory

June 2nd, 2013

WOOD 9
Benders 2

"Don't talk trash to this umpire because he can get angry quickly..." - Matt Moyer

50 seconds later...

"Are you kidding me, he didn't even tag me - ump you suck donkey cock!" - Matt Moyer

"Shouldn't Grant have a non-runner... holy shit he's stealing..."
-The entire Wood team and fan base

This weeks blog is brought to you by... the Mattiassi Dog Muzzle

Mattiassi Dog Muzzle 

• Elite '13
• 131friends
• 72reviews

• Jennifer U.
• Oakland, CA

After reading several of the reviews online I waited anxiously in anticipation for my Mattiassi Dog Muzzle. Most of the reviews mentioned to stick with the standard version, but after some consideration I decided to spring for the plus model that came with the voice box. With one push of a button the words "Let's be honest for a second," "There is always time to bone," and "Let's Shit down their throats," was going to be blissfully playing instead of my dog Rex barking.

Unfortunately this couldn't be further from what I received. In fact, this muzzle is the absolute antithesis to peace and quiet. Quite frankly this thing sucks. Chalk this up as another failed product by Mattiassi Inc. I also own the "Mattiassi masturbation sleeve," the "Mattiassi ass-hair waxer," and "Mattiassi Condom," made out of goatskin and all are just as shitty as this muzzle.

If I could've rated this a 0 star I would've. You could still hear Rex from a mile down the road. In fact I think it made the mutt louder.

I could make a better muzzle using my left nut. This thing really is one piece of dog shit.

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And now to the game...

Alameda, Ca - Wood took the field Sunday with a pep in their step, a goal of victory in their hearts and a fully filed report with the Missing Person's Agency. The report was for no other than the beloved Patrick Whelly who failed to show for the contest. Where was Whelly? There were some theories.

There were reports that Whelly was spotted in this apartment but it turned
out to be just some guy with a horse head... watching a guy with a horse head on tv...

Despite the certainty of the caller, this lead on Whelly's whereabouts
came back negative as well. It turned out to just be some guy dancing with his cats

Wood contigent thought they had Whelly's whereabouts nailed when what they
thought was a Whelly family photo surfaced shortly after the end of the third inning
Alas, it was not Whelly. It was however the first ginger ventriloquist anyone had
ever photographed, so that was something at least

Whelly's whereabouts still remain a mystery, but one thing is for sure. He is missed by all.

As usual it was all pitching and defense at Encinal, but something else emerged that was missing from the last game; offense. Wood was money at the plate amounting nine runs in the victory.

Steve McDevitt started on the mound and danced, darted, and dildoed his way through 5+ innings of work. Benders adhered to McDevitt's ongoing season .300+ batting average against scattering nine hits , but luckily when he left in the sixth, heeding way to Kevin "I always go out on Divisadero so I can go to my favorite bar, The" Page, Wood led 7-2.

"They hit a ton of balls to the wall today." - Frank Bauch while sitting next to Steve on the bench.

"Frank I can hear you - I'm right here..." - Steve in response

Without Chauncey the silverback alien fish, Bauch never would've
stood a chance out there.  

Alex Weber-Shapiro was the star at the plate mashing two fly ball homers over the right field wall, but the real stars of the game was anyone in a Wood uniform playing first base.

Frank Bauch had at least five put outs in his innings one of which involved a turnip, a tricycle and a some silver fish thingy guy.

Grant making what Wood brass are calling the play of the century

When Grant Bledsoe entered the game in the sixth inning he was faced with the impossible challenge of living up to Frank's success. Few believed it was possible. But when you can bend it like Bledsoe, really anything is possible. Bledsoe had already been enjoying quite the day at the plate, so the miracle stage was set.

With the sun shining down upon Grant, the wind blowing peacefully on the water and Piggy home snug in his bend a Bender better absolutely obliterated a ball down the first base line. Grant took one step to his left and then did the most amazing dive - one that by no means can be described in words, only pictures. After doing a complete barrel roll, shortening his arms to T-Rex length, and blindly throwing the first base, Wood recorded the out. Simply amazing.

That grounds-keeping school in the off-season
had finally paid off for Bauch

Frank Bauch had clearly seen enough. 'How could this son of a gun outplay me,' Bauch commiserated. So, Bauch did what he knew he had to do. He went out in between innings and adjusted the sprinklers ensuring that when he came up in the bottom half he would hit a grounder right to their very spot which would then catapult two-hundred feet in the air. An easy base hit.

"Have a day me" - Frank "Sprinklermaster" Bauch

Wood moved to 7-4 on the season and currently has a stronghold on the 4 seed in the playoff hunt. They square off against the Blazers (4-6) Friday night. Great seats are still available.

Sock It To Me - BaySox Dispose of Wood

I'm going to count to five, then both of us are going to
hurl nine innings of lights-out ball. Ready...

Wood Ends Up On Wrong Side of a Pitching Duel

May 29th, 2013

Bay Sox 1
WOOD 0

This sock puppet went fishing for Wood Wednesday

San Leandro, Ca- Every great leader throughout history, whether it was Roman Marcus Auerlius fighting in the north, General Patton fighting the Germans, or Lance Bass leading his group in a  groovy acapella tune, always had a pre-battle meal to get the endorphins revved... wait a second this bit sure sounds awfully familiar...

For Moyer it was Veal Parmasean, or something or another...

Chicken Parmesan or spaghetti, or Cornish
game hen or whatever Moyer somehow
heated in an invisible microwave was a bad choice.   

Like the contest, which lasted about as long as Steve's first sexual experience (game time 42 seconds) this blog will be short as well. The game, quite frankly was simply a battle between Wood phenom Chente Lopez, and the Baysox starter who had more ass than Ryan Gosling on a Saturday night.

Ultimately it came down to a couple timely hits for the Baysox and despite Wood's ability to get on base, they could only muster one run in the losing effort. The umpire's strike zone didn't help which was larger than Rosie O'Donnell's vagina and Wood was on the losing end of several called third strikes.

Highlights from Wood's side include Grant Bledsoe who had two big boy hits and Kevin "www.youngsluttynannies.com is my computer's home" Page who had a hit and made several putouts in left field.

"Oh he puts out..."
- Sally "Cockgrabber" McGuilicutty who was stalking Page from the stands

O C'mon! Darn you Trebek.

MVP of the game was Chente Lopez, naturally, but co-MVP's go to Jevon Mattiassi who finally came through and muzzled poor Rocky and Matt Moyer who did his best Sally Struthers impression and managed to cook a full meal right in the dugout.

LVP of the game would definitely be the home plate umpire who managed to take the bats completely out of both teams' hands with his giant strike zone.

Wood squares off Sunday versus the offensive friendly Benders at Encinal. Great seats are still available.

Lopez pitching to King Hippo from Mike Tyson's Punch out in the fifth 

Matt Moyer preparing his pre-game meal