Bend it Like Bledsoe

Wood Defense Dazzles in Victory

June 2nd, 2013

WOOD 9
Benders 2

"Don't talk trash to this umpire because he can get angry quickly..." - Matt Moyer

50 seconds later...

"Are you kidding me, he didn't even tag me - ump you suck donkey cock!" - Matt Moyer

"Shouldn't Grant have a non-runner... holy shit he's stealing..."
-The entire Wood team and fan base

This weeks blog is brought to you by... the Mattiassi Dog Muzzle

Mattiassi Dog Muzzle 

• Elite '13
• 131friends
• 72reviews

• Jennifer U.
• Oakland, CA

After reading several of the reviews online I waited anxiously in anticipation for my Mattiassi Dog Muzzle. Most of the reviews mentioned to stick with the standard version, but after some consideration I decided to spring for the plus model that came with the voice box. With one push of a button the words "Let's be honest for a second," "There is always time to bone," and "Let's Shit down their throats," was going to be blissfully playing instead of my dog Rex barking.

Unfortunately this couldn't be further from what I received. In fact, this muzzle is the absolute antithesis to peace and quiet. Quite frankly this thing sucks. Chalk this up as another failed product by Mattiassi Inc. I also own the "Mattiassi masturbation sleeve," the "Mattiassi ass-hair waxer," and "Mattiassi Condom," made out of goatskin and all are just as shitty as this muzzle.

If I could've rated this a 0 star I would've. You could still hear Rex from a mile down the road. In fact I think it made the mutt louder.

I could make a better muzzle using my left nut. This thing really is one piece of dog shit.

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And now to the game...

Alameda, Ca - Wood took the field Sunday with a pep in their step, a goal of victory in their hearts and a fully filed report with the Missing Person's Agency. The report was for no other than the beloved Patrick Whelly who failed to show for the contest. Where was Whelly? There were some theories.

There were reports that Whelly was spotted in this apartment but it turned
out to be just some guy with a horse head... watching a guy with a horse head on tv...

Despite the certainty of the caller, this lead on Whelly's whereabouts
came back negative as well. It turned out to just be some guy dancing with his cats

Wood contigent thought they had Whelly's whereabouts nailed when what they
thought was a Whelly family photo surfaced shortly after the end of the third inning
Alas, it was not Whelly. It was however the first ginger ventriloquist anyone had
ever photographed, so that was something at least

Whelly's whereabouts still remain a mystery, but one thing is for sure. He is missed by all.

As usual it was all pitching and defense at Encinal, but something else emerged that was missing from the last game; offense. Wood was money at the plate amounting nine runs in the victory.

Steve McDevitt started on the mound and danced, darted, and dildoed his way through 5+ innings of work. Benders adhered to McDevitt's ongoing season .300+ batting average against scattering nine hits , but luckily when he left in the sixth, heeding way to Kevin "I always go out on Divisadero so I can go to my favorite bar, The" Page, Wood led 7-2.

"They hit a ton of balls to the wall today." - Frank Bauch while sitting next to Steve on the bench.

"Frank I can hear you - I'm right here..." - Steve in response

Without Chauncey the silverback alien fish, Bauch never would've
stood a chance out there.  

Alex Weber-Shapiro was the star at the plate mashing two fly ball homers over the right field wall, but the real stars of the game was anyone in a Wood uniform playing first base.

Frank Bauch had at least five put outs in his innings one of which involved a turnip, a tricycle and a some silver fish thingy guy.

Grant making what Wood brass are calling the play of the century

When Grant Bledsoe entered the game in the sixth inning he was faced with the impossible challenge of living up to Frank's success. Few believed it was possible. But when you can bend it like Bledsoe, really anything is possible. Bledsoe had already been enjoying quite the day at the plate, so the miracle stage was set.

With the sun shining down upon Grant, the wind blowing peacefully on the water and Piggy home snug in his bend a Bender better absolutely obliterated a ball down the first base line. Grant took one step to his left and then did the most amazing dive - one that by no means can be described in words, only pictures. After doing a complete barrel roll, shortening his arms to T-Rex length, and blindly throwing the first base, Wood recorded the out. Simply amazing.

That grounds-keeping school in the off-season
had finally paid off for Bauch

Frank Bauch had clearly seen enough. 'How could this son of a gun outplay me,' Bauch commiserated. So, Bauch did what he knew he had to do. He went out in between innings and adjusted the sprinklers ensuring that when he came up in the bottom half he would hit a grounder right to their very spot which would then catapult two-hundred feet in the air. An easy base hit.

"Have a day me" - Frank "Sprinklermaster" Bauch

Wood moved to 7-4 on the season and currently has a stronghold on the 4 seed in the playoff hunt. They square off against the Blazers (4-6) Friday night. Great seats are still available.