Morning Wood: Wood 10 Black Sox 2

April 10th, 2011

San Leandro, Ca - What does a Justin Bieber dance move, a horse being sodomized, and a little hitter from the south side of Jacksonville all have in common? All played a role in Wood’s de-socking of the Black Sox for their second win of the 2011 campaign.

Despite a season high thirteen walks allowed by Wood hurlers, several statements about opposing players’ clenched assholes, and a lack of a Woodette contingency, Wood was able to remain calm, composed, and flaccid and came out on the winning end of a 10-2 final Sunday morning.

John Lanahan contributed the biggest wood (that’s what she said) at the plate with two key singles, Matt Moyer played stellar defense, and Jevon Mattiassi had a big 2-run single to donate to the winning cause.

Despite her claim that she watched the entire game, lone Woodette Megan, most likely wandered off to a nearby Nordstrom just after first pitch. Megan, we appreciate your dedication, but if we employed the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew to investigate, I’m pretty sure they’d solve the case fairly quickly, somewhere between Women’s Shoes and Brass Plum with enough time left to enjoy a couple Martini’s and to make some bad decisions together.

"Just the tip Nancy?"

Wood starter, Brandon “Trim the top, but a 2 on the” Sides (0-0) tossed a no-hitter through three innings of work, but walked five, hit two batsmen, and maimed a family of squirrels in the process. When the smoke and carnage subsided, the women and children had found safety, and Brandon pulled himself from the game, just one unearned run had crossed the plate, thus putting Wood in a great position when reliever Ely “Salamander” Alexander came in. He too put a small village on the base paths, but ultimately slithered his way out of multiple jams, jellies, and marmalades to throw an absolute relief gem to help lead to the winning cause.

Things started just as ominously on the other side, as Black Sox starter Chips Skuzzywaggle no-hit Wood through five innings, but handed out more free passes than Dave promoting outside Castro’s hot new club, “Does Your Mother Know?” (In all honesty Matt Moyer was robbed of a hit in the second inning, but Wood official scorekeeper felt that lining a shot off Sox third basemen, nearly sending him into cardiac arrest didn’t warrant a hit. Sorry Matt, apparently a 911 call is required to qualify for a hit in this league). Unfortunately Wood couldn’t capitalize on the walks and managed just two runs through six.

Knotted at two apiece in the seventh, the game appeared headed for an exciting finish, but Lanahan and his prodigious bat lined a single into right field, starting the charge that would lead to two Wood runs. The following inning, Wood bats rose from the ashes, with the biggest hit coming from Mattiassi who singled in two runs, which opened the game up and added two RBI’s to Jevon’s bag o’ tricks.

Alexander (1-0) picked up the relief win, his first of the season, and Steve McDevitt (0-0) closed things out with two scoreless innings.

The play of the game came when Sides (pictured below) dodged a Grant Bledsoe scorcher in the third base coach’s box. The liner which surprised all Wood players was no match for Brandon and as practiced several times naked in front of his bedroom mirror, he did the classic Sides back bend, ole, Macarena move to narrowly avoid the liner.

Overall, a great win against a formidable opponent.

Brandon just before narrowly escaping the liner

MVP: Jevon Mattiassi – had a big hit as well as played exceptionally behind the dish, throwing out two Sox base runners and even took a couple shots off the facemask due to errant Wood pitches.

LVP: Jevon Mattiassi – A drunken game of telephone during the post game drinking at Mad Dog in the Fog, initially revealed the slugger may have had relations with a young mare, but after further review it turned out he just had sex in a house, and not with a horse as originally, and mistakenly heard.

Wood squares off next week against division foe The Titans in a matinee double header in San Leandro. Great seats are still available. Post game beers at “Does your mother know,” not included.

You can read all Wood Blog Recaps at: http://woodbaseball.blogspot.com/