First off, some of the reviews…
“I wonder what color jock strap he is wearing…” - Chauncey Slapcock, fan wearing a Tovani jersey in left field bleachers
“Throwing With Coach is a blistering mind-blowing masterpiece with just the right amount of wit, intelligence and sodomy. It really hits home with the large demographic of transgender, cross-dressing, peyote smoking, Mormon biker, left-handed hipster, baseball playing readers …” - Rufas Tallygaggle, Rollingpebble Magazine
“Your dog looks too hot…” - Matilda Penislicher, woman who accused Jevon of animal abuse after seeing Rocky in 58 degree weather at Balboa
Since its modest beginnings, San Francisco Pride has grown to be one the largest and most well-known Pride events in the world. Pride has come to symbolize several things: the long history of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer dignity, the freedom of all people to meaningfully and proudly express their sexual and gender identities.
*my spell check tags ‘transgenders’ for not being a word, but finds ‘transgender’ perfectly ok? Have they not seen multiple cross dressers up in Seattle? C’mon Bill Gates, don’t play coy with me.
So what does that leave you?
Basically just a lot of queer Wood dignity free to express their sexual gender identities in whatever form of beach angel they choose.
For those of you worried about where this blog entry is headed, don’t fret. A wise man once told me...
“It’s only gay if you try it twice..." - Ryan Tovani, Green’s Sports Bar 2011
And now to the recap…
Balboa Park, San Francisco, Ca – In front of a sellout crowd of two, Wood dropped a must win showdown against one of SFNaba’selite, much to the chagrin of birthday boy Jevon Mattiassi Sunday afternoon.
The game was nothing short of a Wild West showdown, with plenty of lead changes, runs, errors, and a revolving back door of Wood pitchers.
The Benders struck hard and fast in the first inning off starter Steve McDevitt penetrating him for two runs on a couple of hits and a sacrifice fly. Luckily Wood bats refused to remain flaccid for long, and answered right back with four runs of their own in the top of the inning. Matt Moyer, John Lanahan, Rick Roitinger, and Grant Bledsoe led the hit parade, while across town in the Castro, the hit parade was led by Samantha “just call me Sam” Beberdick using a wooden paddle, while wearing only a paint smock over his privates.
Jevon as a 7th grader. Oh wait, nevermind that is Clay, eerily similar
Unfortunately Bender hitters had another goal in mind as they once again bent McDevitt over like Clay Aiken in a prison shower, striking for another three runs in the bottom half of the inning to take an early 5-4 lead. He was then sent to the bench where he had to figure out how to remove the giant Bender dildo from his backside in the process.
McDevitt was relieved by Dylan "Don't Call Me Don" Mattingly who pitched an effective several innings in relief to keep Wood in the game. He allowed just a few walks, and a couple of meaningless hits to keep Bender bats at bay until the sixth inning with Wood up by two. This would become the inning the Benders broke out the cockmeat sandwiches and pounded out several runs, most of which were at the expense of the right fielder, who will remain nameless, and by no means rhymes with sleeve.
Despite putting up a respectable ten runs, and Dave Aubuchon taking more balls than the parade administrator at gay pride, ultimately the Bender two-touchdown onslaught was just too much for Wood.
Brandon “Before I cross I check the street on both” Sides pitched a masterful inning in relief as Wood faithful scratched their heads in confusion. Why didn’t this guy just pitch the whole game? And more importantly why was he wearing ass-less baseball pants in honor of Pride?MVP: Despite going 1-5 with four strikeouts, six tossed bats, and seven expletives shouted at the umpire, Ryan Tovani didn’t lose sight of what is truly important; Wood camaraderie. After the game a defeated Tovani still found it in his heart to give out free massages to Wood players.
(Video below)
Honorable Mention
Two Wood faithful who endured arctic temperatures and a long game. Thank you Alisa and Mr. Moyer.
LVP Steve McDevitt
After inflating his ERA to a career high in one outing, giving up five runs in just two innings of work, McDevitt proceeded to run six miles out in right field while allowing a double, triple and home run out there. Granted, the wind was at hurricane like speeds, the sun was blinding, and the grass had more odd bounces than a Octagonal bouncy ball, but he became the first outfielder in league history to field for the cycle. All the other outfielders? Zero combined errors. Enough said.
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