Playoff baseball is like going to the prom. You've waited all year to go. It's exciting. So exciting you might be nervous about it. You may even throw up before you arrive, and ruin your nice new uniform before you have a chance to score. The best strategy is to play it cool. Relax, play your game, and you could end up boning in your hotel room at the end of the night. Much better than tucking your erection under your belt and ignoring your blue balls, right?
Wood baseball club played it cool in its three game series against the defending SFNABA champions Baysox last weekend. They relaxed, knowing that two wins would earn them a championship birth. Wood played its own game too, relying on its normal recipe of pitching depth and defense. The end result? Wood went all the way. Wood got laid. Wood shagged, porked, plowed, nailed, drilled, and screwed. Not with just anyone either, Wood shattered the prom queen's meat tunnel.....after stealing her from the grips of the quarterback on the football team.
Wood beat the Baysox after three thrilling games, and is going to the SFNABA Championship against the Tsunami. Here's the rundown.
Game 1:
Wood 11
Baysox 5
Highlights:
- Wood fans attend the night game in droves. Family members, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances, and the ever present homeless contingent proudly cheer on WOOD.
- Mike Moyer threw a masterpiece this Friday night. Moyer hit spots, changed speeds, and thoroughly baffled the Baysox through seven strong innings.
- Brandon "Colby, give me your popsicle so I can lick the" Sides knocks the rust off to close out the last two innings and save WOOD arms.
- Dave Aubuchon, Cameron Weissenssee, and Pat Whelly all have multiple hit games.
- Jevon Mattiassi catches an unbelievable game behind the plate. Calling pitches, receiving pitches, blocking balls, and throwing out baserunners looked easy for Jevon.
Lowlights:
- Umpiring crew loses the count.....twice. Beneficiary of lost counts? Dave Aubuchon, who used an extra strike to single and drive in a run. Give that guy four strikes and he's deadly.
- Ricky Ballgame, forgets his jersey and uses an inside out Cleveland Browns t-shirt instead.
- Barney Rubble Bledsoe, running to first on a dropped third strike completely oblivious to an overthrow, attempting an advance, and getting thrown out by half a mile.
Game 2:Baysox 7
Wood 1
Highlights:
- Chente Lopez keeps Wood in another ballgame, but is foiled again by his arch-nemesis Bottenger.
- Ryan Tovani does it all.....at the plate, behind the plate, on the bases. Man is he sexy.
- Dave Aubuchon continues his strong series with unreal defense at 3B and strong at bats. While not as sexy as Tovani, nothing gets by Dave at third.
- Sean Bachelder and Cam Weissenssee stay hot and hit the ball hard off Bottenger. Both are possibly more sexy than Tovani. Definitely more sexy than Dave.
- Another sell out crowd of WOOD faithful. Not only the requisite significant others, but children, parents, neighbors, cousins, and acquaintances attend and show their support.
Lowlights:
- Baysox three and four hitters pick apart Wood pitching....again - Grant Bledsoe plunks two Baysox hitters and walks others in 1 1/3 IP
- Wood struggles to string together baserunners for the second straight game vs. Bottenger
Game 3:
Wood 2
Baysox 1
Highlights:
- Ely Alexander, the most interesting teammate of WOOD, sacks up and pitches his heart out. 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, and dominant, filthy stuff.
- Alex Webber-Shapiro, RBI double to drive in WOOD's first run, and in doing so strikes fear in the heart of all Baysox.
- Grant Bledsoe singles in the winning run after an IBB to Alex Webber-Shapiro.
- Ryan Tovani scores both WOOD runs by smoking the ball and working his way on base.
- WOOD team defense plays an airtight game, picking up Ely Alexander whenever he needed it.
- Adam Fong hits the ball hard all day long, and gets robbed on a shot up the middle.
- Jevon Mattiassi has another unbelievable game behind the plate. He was so confident and optimistic that he even tore back to the dugout after strike three before waiting for the umpire's call. Jevon was right about the called strike out....but there were only two outs at the time.
Lowlights:
- Absolutely none
There you have it. WOOD advances to the championship series this weekend versus the Tsunami. The club looks to capture its first championship, and nail not just the prom queen but her chemistry teacher, volleyball coach, and mother in the process.
Game One: Friday 8/24, 6:30 at San Leandro Ballpark
Game Two: Saturday 8/25, 5pm at San Leandro Ballpark
Game Three (if necessary): Sunday 8/26 10am at San Leandro Ballpark
Come Join WOOD in their championship quest and run at ultimate SFNABA glory. Great seats still available.
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