It was an epic run in 2012 that ended with Wood hoisting the championship trophy for the first time in team history. It was a monumental season that left fans with a novel-esk list of highlights to discuss during the winter months. With minimal turnover for the 2013 season, one can only assume expectations for another championship is on everyone's mind.
No one was more excited to bring home the title than The Fuhrer himself, Brandon "before the money shot I'm going to penis slap your face on both" Sides. Each player celebrates in a different manner. Will Tong went to Disneyland. Grant Bledsoe spent his winnings on a new Swedish suck machine/calf stimulator. And after nine years at the helm, Sides could finally let loose this off-season and celebrate the only way he knew how.
 |
| Sides, pictured top left celebrating Wood's victory |
Wood will enter the season with the majority of their 2012 team intact including MVP's Pat Whelly and Chente Lopez both of whom will be gunning for a repeat.
Whelly, a major catalyst for Wood's post-season onslaught, rose from all-star ashes to a God in 2012. This off-season he cashed in on the fruits of his labor. Ladies started lining up for the prolific star faster than George Michael's penis at a glory hole convention. Sure there are a few things Whelly doesn't do well. Flying a one-man aircraft for example. Spearfishing blindfolded. Pickup sticks with his butt cheeks while high on opium. But that's about it.
Lopez enjoyed a stellar rookie campaign putting away more hitters than a judge at a Chris Brown arraignment and when the dust settled had added a Naba Pitching Honorable Mention award to his closet of tricks. The award currently sits in his closet next to his white tennis shoes Boris Becker has been trying to reclaim since Lopez stole them from his locker at Wimbledon in 2004. Lopez claims they are actually baseball cleats.
So who else will be "pulling wool" this season for Wood? I thought you'd never ask.
Wood's 2013 Roster:
Coaches: Brandon "The Pickled Swordfish Comes With Two" Sides, Dave "Atlas" Aubuchon
Jevon "Midnight" Mattiassi
Ryan "Twinkle Toes" Tovani
Grant "Moose Knuckle" Bledsoe
Frank "Honey Boo Boo" Bauch
Patrick "Prodigy" Whelly
Matt "Milf Hunter" Moyer
Alex "Web Gem" Weber
Will "Big Donk" Tong
Chente "Libation" Lopez
Steve "Feeble" McDevitt
Adam "Foot Long" Fong
Cameron "The Chosen One" Weissensee
Rick "Shower Salts" Roitinger
And introducing Wood's newest members:
Zach "Motor-boating" Mandelblatt
Kevin "Jump off the" Page
The season kicks off Sunday as Wood takes on The Aces at Aragon highschool. Where will this season go? Not sure, but make sure you don't miss a single pitch.
Got wood in 2013?
*this blog just broke the record for most Moby Dick bar references eclipsing the previous record of 1.
No comments:
Post a Comment