May 7th, 2011
Hell, center of the Earth, Longitude and Latitude Line 0, depth: 1 million feet - Throughout the course of history, teams have traditionally had one team they couldn’t beat. For a long time the Red Sox had the Yankees. The Bills had whatever team faced them in the Superbowl from the NFC. Rhianna had Chris Brown. William Hung, Simon Cowell.
Eager to avenge last week’s plundering, Wood squared off once again against The Diablos amidst a sandstorm at Moscone Field in San Francisco Saturday afternoon, but failed for the second time in as many tries. The game had several lead changes, great hitting, a great fan turn out, and bats meeting their violent, murderous demise.
Big John Lanahan took the mound and mowed, plowed, and rusty tromboned * Diablo hitters through three innings, but ran out of a steam in the fourth with Wood down 2-0. He pitched well, but fell behind hitters which ultimately led to a high pitch count. The only hit he really gave up was a run scoring triple to the number nine hitter. He was previously 0 for his last 38 at-bats.
* sorry I got my gangbang.net blog post mixed up with Wood blog, but it seems to dually work
On a positive note, Wood bats seemed to come alive like a thirteen year-old hiding in the closet after discovering his Dad’s playboy collection, as they were able to overcome the early deficit to take a mid-game 3-2 lead, however once again it was Wood’s arms that let them down. Brandon “Yes I know she beat him senseless with a hatchet, a rubber dildo and bayonet but every story has two” Sides took the reins from Lanahan and initially pitched well, but he too ran into problems as The Diablos once again showed they are a great hitting squad. Before too much damage could be done, he confidentially handed things off to Steve McDevitt, expecting him to bail him out of the jam, but instead McDevitt did nothing of the sort, allowing the inherited runners to score while also adding to his “hit batsmen” statistical category.
In desperate need of an out with a runner on second base, McDevitt plunked the number seven hitter/devil worshiper on a 1-0 count. Instead of the batter turning and taking the shot in the back, this savage turned and took it Happy Gilmore style; right in the chest. Then instead of writhing in pain, like every normal wussy human would do after getting hit with a baseball right in the sternum, the barbaric did a diabolic Keyser Soze-like stroll down to first; the whole time furiously staring down McDevitt as a blistering rage of disdain erupted deep in his soul and smoke came billowing out of his ears. Somewhere during this demonic display, the immortal, turned volcanic caldera slammed his bat into the ground, blasting the thing into smithereens. Women and children were quickly rushed to safety as the heated Diablo made it to first base. Somewhere in the distance a lamb was sacrificed, to even out the universe.
The next inning would turn out to be just as ominous for McDevitt.
The first batter hit a Texas-leaguer single on a 1-2 count.
Batter number two hit a ball which appeared to be headed into the street, but due to hurricane winds, ended up just short of an outstretched Patrick Whelly glove. Runners on first and second.
Batter three flied out to center field. One out.
Batter four hit a fly ball into center field which bounced out of Jevon Mattiassi’s glove, again due to high winds, or poor leather at the hands or hoofs of local cows the glove derived from.
Batter five went something like this according to WCOCK (official play by play radio of Wood Baseball)
“McDevitt comes set. Doesn’t check the runners. And the 1-0 pitch…swung on and crushed deep towards Livermore…”
For those who don’t know their Bay Area geography , Livermore is just west of Portugal which is where the ball would eventually land the next day.
Grand slam. You can put it in the books… Yes!
“It wasn’t your fault, the wind really got that one,” a kind and courteous Jevon remarked to McDevitt after the game, knowing damn well that Yosemite National park wouldn’t have contained that magnificent blast.
Things weren’t all bad for Wood. Grant Bledsoe put on a hitting display going 3-4 at the plate and Rick Roitinger pitched brilliantly in two-thirds of an inning. Wood faced a tough Diablos pitcher who ultimately picked up the victory while also taking a fly ball of the head and a liner off his pitching hand. (Jesus these Diablos are tough sons of bitches)
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist,” however on this day the Devil did exist and bent over a lube-less Wood yet again.
Wood squares off against The Blazers who defeated Wood last season. Great seats are still available.
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