Set against the backdrop of a young boy’s dream of successfully completing the first ever quadruple crow hop in baseball history
May 21st, 2011 - End of Days
Game 1 - Wood 10, Grays 6
Game 2 - Grays Infinity, Wood 7
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First off, some of the reviews…
“First sports recap ever read that has the team’s manager blowing a mythical deity; I still can‘t sleep at night…” - Frank Slappydoodle, rotten cauliflower.com
In Christian eschatology, the Rapture is a reference to the being caught up referred to in the Biblical passage 1 , when in the End Times the Christians of the world will be gathered together in the air to meet Jesus Christ.
In Mattiassi eschatology, the Rapture is set to begin at dawn, exactly one week after the divine crow-hopping prophet is spotted on or near a sloppy witch tittie pitching mound. This iconic deity shall possess a bucket, a girlfriend who is clearly out of his league, and the unskillful ability to throw from shortstop to first base in under three bounces.
Exactly one week prior, Brandon “To see the anal scenes on the disc, you have to watch both” Sides, went up to the newly discovered clairvoyant unaware of his divine power, as the immortal was tossing an old shoe into a fence using only his privates.
“My name is Brandon Maximus Decimus “cold slaw and potato skins are my favorite,” Sides-Meridius,” he shouted at the hobbledehoy. (Yes I took my wife’s name as well, all the hip guys are going hyphenated). I am Commander of the Armies of the Wood, General of the Woodette Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Mac and SFNaba. Father to a murdered Louisville Slugger, husband to a murdered Superstars Baseball Club. And I will have my SfNaba title, in this life or the next."
As a smirking Sides awaited an answer, the awkward ball-tosser began to rise from his crouch, and for the first time Sides came to the startling realization that he may have made a dreadful mistake. All of a sudden he felt the same alarming, bone-chilling goose bumps he had felt years prior when Dmitry, an attractive Greek man had placed his soft hands on his thigh, after a night of heavy binge drinking in Mykonos. That night he drank a little too much Absinthe and had mistakenly accepted an invitation to “Go Greek,” with the Greek lad. At the time Sides was desperately trying to fit into the culture, and didn’t realize that “going Greek,” actually meant being sodomized more than Clay Aiken at an End of Days party in the Castro, and not joining a fraternity like it did back in the states.
Sides stood there in amazement as the great beast took form resembling something that would result nine months later from an orgy of all four horsemen of the apocalypse having sex with one another, or with Rosie O’Donnell, one of the two .
The celestial being spoke for the first time:
“Tovani will soon derail and delayed he will come,
There will be a dreadful destruction of Wood,
Suddenly vengeance will be revealed when the batter will grow weary of Adam’s at-bat,
A great man will comically contract a great stain of mustard on his baseball pants when the comet will pass.
His disdain finally through the bloody collision at first,
The great hairy beast will gnash its teeth a ball hurdled,
Into the abyss he will run discombobulated toward due South, far from the catapulted ball,
The Italian and angry one will make him repent of it, as a foul ball falls to pass near home.”
“If you remove the sock from my privates, and embrace me as your God, I will spare you and your Wood members from a monumental shellacking at next week’s raptor. I will also bless your players with three spectacular plays in the field, a good pitching effort, and a hell of a day at the plate for the Ted Williams-like one you call G-whore.”
“You mean G-Horse,” Sides corrected.
“Yes, that’s the one,” the brute responded, disinterested.
“And if I do not do as you wish?” Sides inquired.
“If you do not,” the ghastly monster responded, “your team will embarrassingly fall, and more dreadfully, you will encounter the wrath of the raptor.”
You mean the rapture; you keep calling it the raptor,” Sides again corrected.
“Nope, pretty sure it is raptor.”
“Don’t think so - its rapture, look it up.”
“Well it seems like raptor. I always think they’re saying raptor when they say it though.”
The great being and Sides stood there for a brief moment peering deep into each other’s souls as two destined spirits exchanged eternal energies and saw an eternity of reincarnated lifetimes evanescently flash before them.
And in the most dedicated fashion, a confident and prideful Sides, who would do any amount of selfless sacrifice for his team’s success, removed the beast’s sock in hopes that Wood will become victorious and spared from the raptor. And from that moment on, a legend was born.
“Wait just a second Sides, I said all you had to do was remove the sock, not…”
And now to the write up…
San Francisco, Ca - In front of a blissful collection of fans comprising of homeless, passerby alcoholics, and cherished Woodettes, Wood split a pair of games to the formidable Grays Saturday afternoon.
Game one appeared much more favorable for Wood as they struck early and often, getting to Gray’s starter Mac Clonan, in what may have been his last start in a Gray’s uniform. A long first inning involving a handful of walks put Wood on the board, and a third inning rally highlighted by a key Adam Fong RBI single would set the tone for the rest of the game.
Steve McDevitt would start on the mound for Wood, and kept Gray bats at bay for the most part, allowing two runs through his first five innings of work. One of the runs happened to be yet another surrendered round tripper which landed somewhere between the see-saw and slide on a children’s playground, but luckily it was a solo shot, and not a grand slam like last time. He grew tired in the sixth, but not before allowing a couple more runs to score, and Ely Alexander came in and mopped up the Gray’s in a spectacular relief performance to close things out.
The play of the game, to the raptor’s dismay came when a diving Dave Aubuchon made a spectacular catch down the left field line in foul territory, but what can I say about the catch that Dave hasn’t said already? Ryan Tovani also had a great grab in right field late in the game, and Frank Bauch had a dazzling snag at first which saved at least a run in the ninth. Bauch also had a couple of key hits on the day as well, I’ll have you know. Dan Deane also played a tremendous center field, making at least eight put outs on the day.
Even though Wood avoided the Rapture, players weren’t immune to its wrath. In the last half of the game, a ball was popped up towards Wood’s dugout, and spry catcher Jevon Mattiassi came over to field the ball. In an effort to inform his respected catcher he had room to make the play, coach Sides yelled, “You have room Jevon,” to avoid a collision with the fence. Jevon dropped the ball, then proceeded to tell Sides to F-off.
“What the heck did I do,” a perplexed Sides inquired.
Afterwards both men embraced and knew that it was just some after effects of the rapture.
MVP: Brandon Sides
Brandon’s skillful coaching effort secured the win for the team. Hats off. Well done. It should be noted that Wood star Matt Moyer back from Spain, provided some pop at the plate and some great defensive plays as well.
On a related side note…
As determined in a post game celebration at Final Final, Jevon awarded Adam Fong the award for his key single in the game, but then forced McDevitt to down his freshly poured Sierra Nevada which he disappointedly spilled down the front of his shirt.
LVP: Ryan Tovani
It wasn’t necessarily the fact that Tovani endured a flat tire attempting to get to the game, but more so the fact that he was in Stockton of all places at the time.
Game two was a completely different story, as Wood looked like a team of circus clowns held in a pen against their will. Balls were dropped, runners were picked off, and Gray’s bats put on a Pujols-esk hitting display in monumental fashion. It was the first baseball game where the official scorer needed an abacus, a TI-92 calculator and six Harvard graduates just to keep track of the carnage. In the sixth inning the scorebook looked more like a choose your own adventure novel than a box score.
“If you want to see a Gray’s player hit a ball to Coit Tower, go to page five column three, if you want to see a player with mustard on his pants, look to column six with a lot of filled-in diamonds, …”
Wood lost the game 23-7.
“G-Horse” thrived in both games, collecting multiple hits for a second straight game, however Will played a great overall game, and took a helmet to the jugular and lived to tell the tale. Wow.
LVP: Jevon Mattiassi
On what became a routine for Gray’s hitters, a ball was blasted deep into left field, well over the (un)out-reached glove of Mattiassi. Instead of sprinting for the ball, he took a casual detour towards center field and centerfielder Dan Deane had to sprint all the way across the outfield to retrieve the ball. It is sort of what I’d imagine an outfielder looking like if all players were powered by batteries and the player’s juice ran out mid play…
1st place Wood will face their biggest challenge yet in two weeks when they square off against the Isotopes. Great seats are still available.
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