Trouble in woodville as wood Smoked by blazers, set against the backdrop of one boy’s dream of dry- humping an umpire
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Blazers 8, Wood 1
July 31st, 2011
“Dave we told you to kiss the umpires ass, not try to sodomize him in the a-…”
Wood players in reaction to Dave’s attempt to share bath time with home plate umpire
San Francisco, Ca – Despite Dave’s best flirtation attempts to get in the pants of the home plate umpire, thus giving Wood the advantage they needed, the Blazers shocked, awed, and bamboozled Wood, striking early for the win last Sunday afternoon.
(If the above is the longest opening sentence to anything you’ve ever read, raise your hand)
Their offensive strike was almost as out of left field as Dave Aubuchon’s pass at head umpire before first pitch. Using techniques passed down from centuries of previous umpire suitors, Dave saw his chance once the umpire mentioned he lived nearby and would be showering in between games. Dave, seizing the opportunity, like George Michael seizing a saxophone through a glory hole in a public restroom, did his best attempts to get to second base.
In the background, an “I’m not an umpire,” could immediately be heard from the mouth of Brandon “ look bitch, if you are going to suck the left ball, you might as well go for both“ Sides, quick to ensure he too would not be the next target of Dave’s erotic plight.
To Dave’s dismay, the umpire responded by letting him know the last invitee he had over to shower was much better looking, and well…was missing a penis.
The game started out as awkwardly as Dave’s attempts as the Blazers struck for eight runs in the first three innings of play off of Wood starter Brandon “Eye gauging is a two-point penalty for both” Sides. A few mental lapses in the field, walks, and two blasts off of Blazer bats appeared to be the daggers.
Sides gave way to Ely “The Great” Alexander who came in put out the Blazer’s smoke, going six scoreless innings to keep Wood in the game. Unfortunately those runs would be all they would need, as Wood bats ended up more flaccid than Lance Bass at a Carmen Electra sex tape release.
On another positive note, Will “You can’t have BBQ with the” Tong(s) reached base on two hit by pitches, and now leads all of SfNaba in beanings.
MVP: Ely Alexander. His best pitching performance of the year would have been the talk of the league should Wood bats had come alive. He kept the team in the game. Well done.
LVP: Dave “Get laid on your own time” Aubuchon
Wood plays the most pivotal games of the year in a double header at Aragon Park. The morning contest features a tough game against last year’s champs, The Isotopes, capped off by a Red Giants team fighting for a playoff berth. Great seats are still available.
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